Some thoughts.

As if I was not stressed enough right now about money and everything, I think my pregnancy hormones have finally decided they are going to join the party as well. Last night my husband and I were talking about our horrible financial situation, and how we can "make it better" and all that... I was just so stressed about it I went to bed. (He suggested it, so I went.)

So once in bed, even though I am constantly exhausted these days, I was not able to go to sleep. For some reason my mind wandered back to when my grandmother was alive, and had her cute little house in Alabama, and I just went with it, I pictured a sunny day, walking up onto the porch, and in the house, and I saw everything the way she used to keep it. It was so perfect. I could have described every little detail of it at that moment, and it made me start to cry. And THEN I started thinking about how my mother came in and destroyed it all. I saw my grandmother's heart break the day she moved and gave that house to my mother... and I saw it break again the day it burned down. My grandmother - my "Mimi" was the nicest person in the world. I wish she had lived to see my daughter. She was the only person in my family I could really turn too, who would really give me her honest insight (not something jaded with her own help herself intentions like my mother would.) and I miss her. And so thinking about all that I really started to cry.

Then I heard my husband making his way to the bedroom, and I was worried he had heard my sniffling or something, but I don't think he had. I told him a little of everything I had been thinking... but not everything. Not that I didn't want to share it with him, I did... really badly - but I knew if I started in again, I would really start to cry, and my little angel was sleeping so peacefully next to me, I did not want to wake her up.

04.11.2003
2:02 p.m.