Monday, September 10, 2012

This entry deserves a 'you will be bummed out for reading it' disclaimer

I am just not feeling so good today. I don't think anything is really physically wrong with me... I am just so darn tired. And my ear hurts. And I just have this over all "crappy" sort of feeling.
At night, I can't sleep. But I am exhausted. And I know my poor husband wants to have sex with me... but it is like that is just the last thing on my mind right now.
Last night I was just telling myself off... (in my head) - that I should just tell him I clearly have a sexual problem... and he should just go find someone else that doesn't and get it over with... because it will probably come to that someday anyway.
Did I mean any of it? No. So I am thankful I did not say it out loud.
I think part of me was truly hoping that, back when I had my thyroid checked, something really would be wrong with it. I mean... it would have sucked... but it would have made everything so easy... all of my problems solved with one tiny pill a day. My screwy menstrual cycle (which was NEVER like this before this year), my weird hair loss... my on going sexual frustrations... my constant feeling of just being a bit too tired. All of it. I wonder if I should even get a second opinion... but I can't... we no longer have medical insurance.
My period is supposed to start tomorrow. (I know, too much information, sorry.) I am willing to take bets on which day this month you think it actually will start. If it is so screwed up still... I should go to an ob/gyn.. but I can't do that either... we don't have medical insurance.
Yes... I feel like I am fighting hard to stay out of some sort of funk right now. I hate it. The past few days, I have just been feeling so profoundly sad. And I can't really put my finger on it.
My husband had frustrated me so much just after he lost his job... when he (as I called it at the time) arrogantly said he "was not worried" - and would "have a job by the end of [that] week..."
And here we are... over 3 weeks later. No job. Not much closer to one than he was then either. Everything has... as we got so used to last year... systematically fallen through, just when it looked so hopeful.
He has another interview with another company on Tuesday. He has to go to Westchester for it... and that will officially use up the last of our money, for gas. I hope something comes of it.
On a good note.. he has put a bit of a "back up plan" in motion. Tomorrow he is supposed to go see someone and possibly go into a sales position there. Something like that truly does hold great potential... and he has even said he thinks he can get our medical insurance right away. I feel like I should be happy, and relieved... But it also means no salary... at all. Now... many of the people he knows do this, and they do not live pay check to pay check, to say the least. But it just worries me. What the hell will we do until he starts to close loans?
And I am worried about yet another thing falling through. For my husband's moral... and for mine.
And I am just feeling a bit lost.
Maybe I should just give into the sexist view of things and say it is all "PMS."
I want to go crawl into my bed... right now it is so perfect in there... the room is super cool... it is only 42 degrees outside, and we have the window open. Under the covers would be so comfortable.
That is what I want.. comfort. I big bowl of beef stew... (my beef stew.. but I don't want to have to cook it) - and I want a huge amount of chocolate... and a big cozy blanket. If I can't have mental comfort... I should have physical comfort I suppose... And some kleenex... because for whatever retarded reason I just friggin feel like I could burst into tears.
I can't have any of that. I am fighting through all the brownies my brother keeps baking downstairs to stay on my diet... (I told my mother last night that though it is so sweet she keeps bringing them up.. please don't bring me anymore...) which the weight loss is coming off painfully slow... and I have laundry to do... and a house to clean... my schedule is so screwed up I did none of it Friday like I normally would have... and I just need a break.
A break from all this uncertainty.

10:44 a.m.

No comments:

Post a Comment