Monday, September 10, 2012

Altered thinking

Update here too.
There are a few "concrete pillars" in my life that just.. mean something to me. I know that statement made no sense... it is like.. they anchor me. Whether it is simply anchoring me to my way of thinking when I was much younger... or whether it is more than that... I really don't know.
As I grew up... my parents were always sort of stable (financially)... at least from what they let me see. (While my father was alive.) We did live with my grandmother a few times... but her house was plenty big enough, and I really enjoyed that anyway. (I miss her terribly.)
Anyway... so, growing up.. I always had this sense that... as an adult, no matter what, your parents would always still be there for you, to "fall back on." I know my grandmother certainly was for my mother. (More than she should have been now that I look back on it.) And as I have gotten older... I have realized just how untrue my former assumptions were. Essentially, we are all on our own, in a world that can be much too cruel.
I have reached an age where, my friends are beginning to lose their parents. And that terrifies me. Not just for me, but for everyone. It has rattled my sense of "the way things are" - always having someone out there in the world you can run to if you need too... Not that my mother would be any "help" to me if I needed it in that sense... (since my grandmother passed away, my mother's life has been in constant upheaval of some sort or another...) but just because, she is my mother. We don't get along most of the time... and I wish that would change.
My husband just lost his father in July. Now I worry even more than I did before about his mother.
I know I have gone off on this tangent that probably makes sense only to me.. so, I am truly sorry for that. I just got to thinking heavily about it all last night.
My closest friend, just lost her father. She is handling herself with grace and dignity, like she does with everything in her life it seems. But I felt horrible. I wanted to be there for her. Not stuck hundreds of miles away.
I know I probably expressed myself so poorly here. I just got stuck, laying awake in bed last night thinking about all of it. So I wanted to try to get it out. It is fragmented at best.. but maybe I can come add to it later.

3:47 p.m.

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