What a week

I had one hell of a week. Actually, most of it went really good. I managed to not have any arguments with my mother, and she was an immense help to me with the things I wanted to get done. But I have to say the highlight of the week (in the most chaotic way) was waking up to the sound of forcefully rushing water at 7:30am Monday morning. I had just gotten back to sleep after giving the baby his bottle... and I swear when it started it was like a bomb went off... the pipe in the extra bathroom attached to the master bedroom burst... with force! Thankfully my neighbor next door knows all about plumbing and I called him, and he directed me to the main shut off valve in the house... and he came over within the hour and had water restored to the rest of the house (except that bathroom) - so, before we can use it again we have to fix the pipe... but we have not been using that bathroom in a while anyway.

I am very confused about what to do with my marriage. My husbands receipts from his trip that he desperately tried to get me to not look through showed he had a bottle of wine delivered to his room one night. Now, maybe it's nothing... but that is not even the point anymore. The point is I don't think it's nothing. I can't live this way.

I told my husband that. I think he thinks I am joking... or bluffing. He is going back and forth between seeming relieved with a "I'll move out" attitude... and a nasty finger pointing "I stray because you smother me so it's all YOUR fault" attitude.

And he has not said the words that matter once. No "I love you and I *do* want to work it out" no "I *do* WANT you to trust me" just a "take it or leave it" attitude. He is refusing to change. All I ask is that I don't find so many questionable things. But he is insisting *I* have to change first.. with my "smothering" and watching over his shoulder. He fails to see I am only reacting to his actions... it's NOT the other way around.

I am terrified.

Why can't love be enough? Then again... he has not even said "I love you, therefore I want this to work..." It seems like it would be a relief to him.

And then he tries to make me feel like shit by telling me I don't do enough around the house... that I am turning out "like my mother" - that he is so tired from work and expects to come home to a "pristine home"... yes - he said that exact thing. And he succeeded in exactly what he wanted to do. He belittled me. He made me feel like shit. I could not defend myself - my stepdaughter was merely feet away and probably heard too much as it was.

He is right - I don't do enough cosmetically around the house. I have my excuses but that is all they are - excuses. I am so damn tired. (But he only cares about how tired *he* is... and no matter what he "knows" HE is much more *tired* than me.) Like it's a fucking competition, right? My daughter is petrified of the vacuum. Just simple excuses that add up... whatever. I can try to do more. Will that make him keep his dick in his pants? No. But I can try, right?

I want him to want this to work out. I need him to stop just pointing the finger at me and take responsibility. This weekend seems to be pivotal. So I guess I will update soon. I just hope he knows I am serious.

01.17.2004
6:40 p.m.