Monday, September 10, 2012

1 night down, 2 more to go.

I am so tired. So... here I am, at 11:50 at night, writing. I should be in bed... at least trying to sleep. But, I tossed and turned so much last night, I don't even want to attempt it yet tonight.
I guess in a way it is funny... but I feel horrible admitting it. I was looking forward to having the bed all to myself... not worrying about being bumped a dozen times... not having to nudge my husband to stop his snoring - suppressing the urge to throw a pillow over his head... not having his feet "chase" me across the bed all night, leaving me so contorted I wake up all cramped and uncomfortable... (and there is a side story to this too - when we were first together, and married, etc... in the first "years," I "cuddled" him too much. It drove him crazy... now, he is chasing me across the bed at night... go figure...)
But, I was looking forward to the giant bed temporarily to myself. Well... I was miserable. I could not get comfortable for anything - and the last time I allowed myself to look at the clock it said 2 something. I think 2:36. I can't remember anymore. And still I did not fall asleep right away.
I missed sleeping beside my husband. At least I am yet another day closer to having him home. Just tonight, tomorrow, and tomorrow night. Thursday afternoon he will get home, and all will be right with the world again.
My munchkins were "looking" for their daddy all day again. It is hard for them, and they see the car in the driveway so they think he is here... I just know they will be so excited to see him again.
A side note to the entry I did yesterday... just an addition after the comments I got... maybe call it my "advice" - if you think it is worth taking. After his infidelities, I clearly had some very important choices to make. One of which, was just how crazy was I going to drive myself with the questions. Just how long was I going to wonder what was real and what was a lie - and I knew it would take a while. And it has. I am far from healed. Still certain things just bring a heart ripping physical pain through me that is just nearly unbearable. But I work through it. And I work through it much better than I used to. But this is off my point...
I made a promise to myself. I told myself, that I could not stay - I would not allow myself too, no matter how hard it was to leave - if I could not envision the day when I would not question every last issue that may arise. Nearly 2 years ago now (in January) I made a choice - that I could see a light at the end of the tunnel - that I would one day not be so insecure to panic over the voice of a pretty sounding woman on the other end of the phone... and it has been a long, sometimes impossible feeling road to get here. But I have made it. I knew if I could not see that light, at the end of the tunnel, that there was no reason to stay.
And here I am. And yesterday, my heart did jump a beat... the number showed up as "private" (like his affair's used too) - and to me, she sounded young, and pretty... and for a moment the way she hung up - seemed guilty.
But I have reached a point, where the fears forced upon me from the past can no longer control me. And I know that in reality, she was most likely a rude nobody... who once my husband finds out who she was, and why she hung up the way she did... he will let her know - it was just silly, and she should have spoken to me for a moment to get his other phone number.
Well... somewhere in there was supposed to be my point... just advice I gave myself - or more so, a simple question... that helped me get through a lot: If you can't see a time when you will be able to trust again, is it worth the heartache to stay?
I still have a long way to go with trusting my husband. But he shows me more and more just how committed to me he is, and that has helped a lot. I trust him a thousand times more than I did a year ago. I trust him more and more each month... each week, and each day. And I hope things continue to follow that pattern.
And I really wish he was here for me to lay down beside and go to bed.

12:06 a.m.

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