Wednesday, September 5, 2012

14 months

Earlier today I sat in front of this computer and started typing an entry - then I stopped. And I thought... now if I write this it will just be construed as me feeling "sorry for myself" and so I stopped.

That's bullshit. There is a person who has been leaving me nasty messages in my guestbook... well - one has "her" name on it but I think there is at least one other there as well... and now I find myself not writing what I want and need to write because of this persons insults. I don't mind constructive criticism... that is a lot of the reason I keep this diary
public - to get other people's input on my situations. To know I am not alone... and I just see what other people think overall. But this one person: "Susannah" has decided to get "personal" with her attacks. And that actually hurts me. I could give a damn if "she" thinks my diary is "fun" any longer. This is not about being "fun" or "entertaining" to someone. Sometimes I just need to write.
On that note... all this has really gotten me thinking. Recently I have been down - and full of complaints in this diary. It's for good reason.

I have been very hard on my husband for his insane work hours recently. I don't mean to be. But it just sort of "happens" that way. He is barely home. And when he is home, half the time it seems his mind is still not here. This reminds me so much of what I went through last year with him. He was "working so hard for our family" he would say... God forbid I complained, he would make me feel so guilty... "we need me to work like this" he would say... and I just accepted it. No big deal I would tell myself... he is doing it for "us."

And I ignored the time he signed offline at 5:30, yet did not get home till sometime after 9pm... "bad traffic" he said... or the 4 times in 2 months time he was "pulled over by a cop" for whatever various reasons... yet never managed to get a ticket - putting him home after 10pm... or the times he was just "working so hard" and "thats why I could not get him on the phone..." I let it all slip by. I was ignorant and stupid... naive and overly trusting. I did not see what was laid out in plain view right in front of my face.

Then in one painful blast to my soul - like getting physically hit with a 4x4 - it became obvious what was going on... and even still he played into my denial and led me to believe it was "nothing" for another month. After that I put up a wall...

I am still working on taking pieces of that wall down. I don't want my insistence on him being home more to hurt his potential at this new job that he loves... but I don't want to make myself crazy with dread and such either. Every time the clock ticks past 8 pm before he is home... I start to remember what it felt like last year - and what it felt like last year once I realized all those times he told me he was "working so hard" he was really doing nothing of the sort... focusing his "love" and attention on a whore and their affair... rather than on his pregnant wife.

I have come a long, long way in my abilities to trust him in the past 14 + months... but I have a long way to go, and I know that. He knows that... and I think he understands why and all the deeply detailed reasons behind it...

I just don't want it to jade my every thought that revolves around his work schedule.

4:31 p.m.

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