I feel like there is two of me right now. Two - and I don't know which one to really pay attention to. The first, is my heart. The other... is my head. And I need to find a way to merge the two. Is my heart too trusting? Too vulnerable? Too willing to look at my life through rose colored glasses? Or is my head too jaded? Too cynical? Too determined to find fault in everything that SEEMS to be going the way I want it too?
My heart sees how loving he has been the past few days. My heart has enjoyed his company so deeply. I have been wondering if he has a new cologne... his scent has just been intoxicating. I don't want this to end... I am craving his closeness. It has felt honeymoon-ish. I have found myself opening up to him... in ways I realize I should have before our implosion. Last night, he told me he loved me. Without being prompted. It wasn't a "I love you too..." - no - HE chose to say it. And that made me feel SO good, and happy.
My head.... my head likes to get in the way. I don't know when I should listen. When I should question...
My head wants an apology. My head wants reassurance he has cut all ties with her. My head made my heart ache when, until last night - I would tell him "I love you" - just to hear a long pause before I got a response. My head threw this wrench into my gut this morning... he was in his car, going down the driveway... and he realized he forgot his phone. He asked me to go get it... "it is upstairs, plugged in, hidden under the covers...." - And it was. Hidden? Odd choice of words. I asked him about it - he said it was so he couldn't hear it ring from the shower... it "distracts him" - that just didn't sound right to me. I checked the phone records. He has a lot of 10 & 11 pm text messages. My head insists they could not all be from me... the times and dates don't seem to add up. My heart wants to make them add up.......... my heart wants to say that doesn't mean they are from her... What am I to believe? This is where my craving for his reassurance comes in.
This is where I find myself so upset that - initially, instead of coming to ME with his issues... he found another woman. So, now instead of just having our issues to patch up - we have trust to rebuild. I don't know how to do this again. I can... and I will. I just need him to work on it with me. And I fear saying that to him. Things have felt SO GOOD the past few days. I don't want ANYTHING to damage what I have felt with him this week.
So... there is my dilemma.
Tonight will be nice... we are going to stay up late and watch the Perseid Meteors. Maybe I can find a blanket I don't mind getting dirty, and we can actually lay in the yard on the grass. I am looking forward to it...
Posted Date: : Aug 11, 2007 10:30 AM