Happily ever after... Nobody said happily ever after was not going to take work. And if they had said it would be easy... they certainly would have been lying. Sometimes I feel like my happily ever after has taken much more work than most.... but so far... I guess I am hanging in here okay.
We had a bit of a setback a few days ago. He lied. (Shocking, right? Well... I was.....) And he had said he had stopped all contact with her. Then I find the HUNDREDS of text messages. He thought I could not see what number he was texting. He was totally wrong. So... NOW he has truly stopped contact with her. And if I find he hasn't, and has lied again... well... I just hope it doesn't come to that. He has been acting so loving... and like his priorities are truly in the right place.... and then I found that. I just feel like all the wind got knocked out of my sails.
I find myself still craving an apology. He says "I feel like you just want me to say it over and over again..." And that is NOT what I want. The thing is, he has only said he is "sorry" something like twice. And only when we were arguing. What do I want? I want to feel like he is not just saying it because I prompted him too. I want him to come up behind me, wrap his arms around me and tell me he loves me, and that he is so sorry........... because that is the emotion that is overcoming him at that moment. That shouldn't be too much to ask... right?
Yesterday we found ourselves on a trip down memory lane. A family member's birthday party - and the house that was my mother-in-laws. It was such a double edged sword. Through all this... I have missed her tremendously. She was the one person I was able to talk to in the past... and now, she is gone. Yesterday out of the blue, sitting at the table in the backyard.. my daughter looked at me and said "where's Grandma?!?" And my heart just sank. I felt a few eyes turn to me... and I just had been totally unprepared for that question. I sometimes forget how amazing my baby girl's memory is. I just looked at her for a moment, and all I could muster at the time was "she isn't here sweetheart." Though... I am quite sure she probably was.. I could not sit there and explain all of that to her right then.
But it was nice to reconnect with everyone... Hopefully it is a connection we will be able to hold onto this time.
Now I need to run. I have to get myself ready (xanax'ed ) - [just kidding... sort of] for the birthday party I am taking my baby girl to later. 20 4 & 5 years olds high on sugar, cake, and ice cream - YAY! I am sure it will be fun though!
Posted Date: : Aug 19, 2007 9:29 AM