This entry will be written in a very open style, more along the lines of how many of my very first entries were written. The subject of this entry, will be that of those first entries too... so, if you have not read my earliest entries, you might want to before reading on.
Also note, what I am about to write is extremely personal.
The night before last, my head was just so full with all our current worries - and the last thing I needed, or wanted was to be haunted by the past.
Yet, I was. As I always am when thinking about, talking about, or attempting a specific intimate act with my husband. Maybe it is because I know it is something he enjoys so much, I am not exactly sure. But it is just still so hard for me to do for him. The other night, I tried. I tried so hard. And I told myself to not thing about the past, that it was so long ago, that he is here with me now, that it has nothing to do with her - it was he and I, and that was all. But it didn't help. My mind raced. In my minds eye, I saw him with her, letting out a moan as she "went down" on him. Exactly the thing he so hoped for me to do. And I tried to refocus. But then my mind started wandering to the coming day, and his trip to Houston, and the way he had been so adamant that my mother not just "show up" - and I started to worry what was he afraid of her seeing...
(Reality check, I know his Houston intentions are completely pure, and that this is really nothing to worry about.)
And I tried to refocus again. All the while he was virtually clueless to my intense internal battle. He was just desperately craving oral sex. And as his wife, though for most things I feel no one is obligated to do anything for anyone... I feel obligated to this, because it has had it's place in our relationship in the past. But I just couldn't.
I got myself so upset (without letting him know) that I nearly destroyed the entire night.
I know all the "get over it" lines. I know how far in the past it is. I know. I just have such a mental block - and it is so strong. And recently I feel like the pressure has been increasing... and I just can't get past it. And I want my husband to know the extent of it - but I don't want him to react poorly. He tends to get defensive if he is in the wrong mood - and I do feel a bit ridiculous over it all. He would probably just get irritated and say something like: "so you expect me to never get another blow job in my life?" And that is not what I need to hear. I want to work through it... I just don't know how.
I love him so much - I don't want something as dumb as this to become an issue for our marriage.
03.03.2005
9:55 a.m.
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