Saturday, September 8, 2012


Things just feel so odd. I can't even explain it, but everything just seems a bit "off" tome right now.
It looks certain my husband is flying out tomorrow night for his job interview in TX Thursday. I don't even want him to go, but I feel foolish saying that. What if it is some great opportunity that he would throw away by not going. But then... Houston is not where I want to live right now.
And I feel so much pressure over it. I told my mother about it, and already I just want to scream at myself for that. I feel like she is being over bearing already - like she would expect to be involved in my choices and such if we were in Houston. She acts like (and has said word for word) "you need to come back to your real home, where you belong" - never fucking mind how *I* feel.
I don't know what else to say. I just feel ready to cry, but I can't force out the tears. I feel ready to pack up my house, but we have no where else to go. I just want to scream but I can't. Nothing is right here. I feel so down. It snowed today - in NY that would have just filled me with joy... here I felt nothing. I felt less than nothing. The absence of anything - if that makes any sense.
My chest feels so heavy with all this burden... and I can feel my heart pounding in it. That is not normal, and this is not healthy. I want the best for my family. I want us stress free and happy.
Yet another thing my mother ignores... (and clearly does not even acknowledge as important) is my desire to be close to my step daughter. I want my children close to their sister. I grew up with 2 older half brothers - I can count the number of times I saw them as a young child on one hand... and I do not feel anywhere near as close to them today as family should. I will NOT let my children not know their sister.
I am just so unhappy. But then I see my smiling children, and I feel guilty for feeling unhappy because in reality - they are all I need. But we need stability.
I want out of here - yesterday.

9:02 p.m.

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