It's been a long week... and my emotions have just been all over the place.
For instance, this morning I sign online, and see my husband is actually on... so I think that's great - I have something wonderful to tell him anyway, so I immediately type out an IM, and just as I go to send it - poof - he signs off. Now, to me the only reason for him to be online like that, is to use the IM, because he can't even check his mail from the version he has to use at work... but as soon as I sign on he disappears? Weather he actually signed off - or maybe just blocked me so I don't "bother" him, I don't know... but it bugs me. Who was he giving time in the IM that he can't even spare for me?
That probably sounds crazy, I know. I just don't think he has a clue how I have been feeling recently.
I have this beautiful precious baby girl whom I spend every waking second with... and all I want to do is share her wonder and joy with him... but he is never here. And so often when he is here, I feel like he really isn't. A lot of this weekend I felt that way... his older daughter was here... and he was so damned concerned with her every move (or so it seemed to me) that my baby girl barely got any time with him at all. I was just really down about it... it's like my daughter only gets her daddy - whom she adores - an hour a night and then every other weekend when her big sister is not here? I wish he could just even out his time better... do something.
And if I call him to tell him what she did... he will say "awww" or "ok" and that's it - I would get put on hold or something because he is so "busy". It's like he does not cherish it the way I do.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I am just over emotional because of the very long week I have had. But it does not change that this is the way I feel - now.
And by the way: the precious thing she did... she gave ME a kiss, an intentional kiss... for the first time. It nearly made me cry. Just as I nearly cried when she took her first steps Friday night - but that is a story I will HOPEFULLY have time to type in later.