Last night my poor husband got home so late... just after 9pm. I had just put the kids to bed, so thankfully he did get to spend a moment of time with my baby girl, because as soon as she heard his voice she flew out of her bed to see him... but still... now he has not seen my little guy since Monday night. Not once.. (while he was awake.)
It is breaking my heart. Last night I took my step-daughter into the pool, and my husband did join in, and I think for the first time he got some honest enjoyment out of it.
I just felt so sad last night. I don't think we spoke more than a handful of words to one another... and I just felt lonely. I keep telling myself how temporary this all is when I step back and look at the big picture. I just hope he can get everything together soon... so he can have time for us again.
I don't like feeling so alone.
Though my step-daughter has been great these past two weeks. And as for the other night - see, I expected that from her.. it is her age, and the sulking and nonsense would have faded away within 20 minutes or so... SHE had listened to me. She had gone back to her chair... it was my husband's mom that totally ignored me - and still went to ask my husband - even though, I said no. And it is not like I said no to something my husband would have wanted anyway...
I just really have not gotten over that yet. It just truly hurt my feelings. As juvenile as that may sound... it's simply the truth. I talked to a friend about it the other day, and in trying to help me... he just brought out yet another issue... not only has my husband had to go through years of struggles to get recognized with his word being the "end all be all" when it comes to his daughter (which my husband made a huge stink over that night... not mentioning once how *I* had been affected) but my battle has been even more uphill than his, after all, he is her father. I am the "step-mother" - with all the nasty stigma... and add that to my young age - and nobody seems to have given a shit what I have said...
I do feel I finally have my step-daughter's respect. And this is a new and recent thing... and SHE was willing to go back to her chair, and call it done. I had said no. But no one else.. none of the other adults who SHOULD understand I had given her an answer seemed to care. Like I could just be "overruled" because what I said didn't matter to begin with. Like I was "shooting from the hip" and didn't actually THINK about the answer I was giving or something....
Anyway... I know I need to just let it go and get over it... it's not like anyone else cares...
So - onto today's activities. Hopefully the air conditioner will arrive so the installer can put it in tomorrow... just in time - it is supposed to get really hot again tomorrow, and those are the days this front room seem to BOIL. But I am worried it won't get here, the shipping thing we got yesterday said 3 or 4 business days... even though originally we were told today... so my fingers are crossed. And maybe I will gather up the energy to take my mini-munchkins into the pool today... but the verdict is still out on that.
Until later...
08.10.2005
10:03 a.m.
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