Monday, September 10, 2012

A long, ruff entry

I don't even know where to start with this entry... I have so much to say.
First off... it's moments like these that I truly wished my husband did not even read this diary. I just want to unload, no holes barred.
Saturday night was, to put it gently - a disaster. We went to my husband's mother's house, and from there we were to go to a restaurant in the area for my husband's brother's 2 children's birthday party. (Did I confuse you yet?) They are a few years apart in age, but were born within the same week... anyway - things were ruff from the start. My step-daughter fell almost immediately into some odd "pre-teen" funk... which overall, is easy enough to deal with, but in the end it just sort of compounded things as the evening wore on... continuing on...
My husband and I were just totally NOT looking forward to eating where we were going, we remembered the one other time we had gone, it was just way too hectic - but we wanted to give it a fair chance. Well... a 2 hour wait, and over priced dinner with rather crappy service later, our nerves were just shot. (Yeah, my 1 1/2 year old, and near 3 year old dealt with at LEAST a 45 minute wait in the waiting room, we called ahead for some of it, thankfully... that was not fun...)
And, then the "fun" started. My step-daughter and her cousin (husband's brother's daughter) are virtually the same age, within a few months of one another - so whenever they are together they want to do a "sleep over" - now, that sleep over has always been at our house. It just works best that way, and probably always will... I am not even going to go into all that right now.. but as my husband gets up to go outside to smoke, they get up, surpass me, and go to my husband's mom... and start whispering, scheming and all sorts of nonsense, so I call them on it, and after several "ummm's" and "uuuhhhhh's" they ask for my step-daughter to sleep over at her cousin's house. Now, before even leaving, my husband and I had decided that her cousin would NOT be sleeping here that night, it just makes the following day too stressful... so now this. I said it was not a good idea, siting how my husband needed a day of NO running around for today (Sunday) and the issue SHOULD have been done right there. My mother-in-law was told this, and the girls were told this. It should have been done... my word should count for more than enough... (remember that statement.)
Then, after they sulked back to their chair, I told my mother-in-law again, how it was not a good idea, how I was looking out for my husband, how he needed the day off... and added in a "not to mention Amanda's attitude has been crap tonight, why reward her for it?" Statement.
It should have been done - my word should be respected.
What the hell happened next has me so upset... I don't know if I am infuriated, or simply hurt. My mother-in-law gets up, slips out of the room to catch my husband as he comes back in, TO ASK HIM FOR THE GIRLS TO HAVE A SLEEP OVER.
Hello? Seriously... what the hell?
Anyway, he said no. Then, everyone over-stepped their boundaries yet again, and this is the part my husband has made an issue about. For the next hour plus, we had crying girls, and a Grandmother (my husband's mom) and Aunt, and his Brother's Fiancee consoling them, saying how we will "work around it" and just all sorts of nonsense. It all came to a head as we were finally about to leave this nightmare, and the girls were crying, acting like I swear you would think it was the last time they were seeing each other (they see each other darn near every other weekend) and everyone was STILL consoling them, dragging this teenage drama crap out... like my husband was the bad guy for saying no - and he just lost it. (Rightly so in my eyes) Because he has fought long and hard to be recognized as her father... not having her all the time, it has been one hell of an uphill battle... and here was all this disrespectful crap swirling around us... his word is IT. There is no room for discussion. I just completely wanted to lose my cool.
But this all brought something else out... that my husband has not addressed with his mom, and probably won't - and I suppose it is not important enough to, but it just hurts me - really just hurts me. I feel, like my word regarding my step-daughter is given no consideration, and never really has been when I think about it. Here, I said no - right off the bat - yet still, she left the room, to talk to him NOT close to me where I could step in and say I already said no, and tried to get him to say yes. I just don't understand. It really has hurt me a bit. He is her father, and when she is here, and he is not around, I am "second in command" - especially when the decision involves her not staying with us for a night (which we know her mother would not allow, which we have never before allowed with darn good reason, etc.)
I just have fought this self imposed stigma in my mind about my "place" in his family for years - and he constantly tells me how his mom loves me, etc, and I truly believe it... but I am not "close" to her.. I would love to be closer... but I just feel like an outcast. And moments like this, just reinforce it. It hurts.
And I knew he needed a day to relax today. I knew it. And his behavior tonight just made me realize how much. Even what little "rest" he got today clearly was not enough. This really should be a separate entry all on it's own, but since I am on a roll here...
I think his mood went downhill when I got him up to help me with the kids dinner... and from there.. I don't totally know what the hell happened. He was in the kitchen, I came in, he saw Jillian messing with the blinds, and he made some comment about the kids being "totally out of control" - which was completely inappropriate and put me on the defensive... and it snowballed from there - to me telling him to just go back to bed, and he stormed OUT of the house, saying he was "going back to Illinois, or Canada or something" right there in front of his daughter who is old enough to completely understand what he is saying.
He disappointed me terribly tonight.
I then had to console his daughter while he was gone... reassure her he was just acting like an over grown 3 year old and having a tantrum akin to one of Jillian's, and that he would be back soon. Then, she says [insert name of his ex-wife's mother here] says that he got mad and just walked out like that on my mom and never came back... - Insert the sound of my JAW slamming into the floor here...
So, I THEN had to have a talk with her that I never thought I would have to have.. explaining it did NOT happen like that, that her Mom was mad at him, he was mad a her, and they decided to leave each other, but NOT in some fit of rage, and that it took time, and that he would NEVER just walk out on us and leave like that... no matter what sort of idiotic childish temper tantrum he was throwing.
Aside from my desire to hunt down his ex-wife's mother and give her a hell of a verbal lashing, I want to make him realize just how inappropriate what he did was.
I know he has stress coming at him from every different angle right now... and I am trying SO hard to be understanding. Moments like the ones we had this afternoon... make me feel like he is happier at work than he is at home. The fact that I have even had that thought devastates me. I feel like he gets way to stressed with our children, and that is something I simply can't change. They are babies... they will have their moments where they will push our limits as hard as they can... and feeling like he wants to just run away to work rather than work through it with me... hurts.
I know I am probably all wrong.... but it just upsets me. We have so much going for us right now, and I know he is very focused on keeping it that way... but he just needs to start leaving more of himself over for his family, and not giving it all away before he gets home.

1:02 a.m.

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