How do I describe today...
Aside from saying I was just sort of stuck in this "mini-meltdown" all day? Well... I was. First thing this morning I realized my financial mistake... and then I don't really know what happened from there - but I just sort of imploded on myself.
The kids were giving me a harder time than they have been.. but even that I can handle. And my sweet Jillian - she has for the past few days, on her own, gone into HER ROOM in the afternoon and napped while my baby boy napped. This is such a huge milestone - I think we are about to the point I can remove the baby gate from her room at night and trust her to stay in there... it breaks my heart - but I suppose in a good way.
Anyway... I just felt like an emotional crack pot all day. I was getting so frustrated with my husband not responding to the couple of emails I sent him - and I don't expect him too (when my head is on straight) - just today I felt so overwhelmed. This evening I finally realized I think the root of my problem... the reason for my underlying "walk on eggshells" mentality. I am afraid. Terrified.
My husband has this amazing job, with amazing potential - and because of the past few jobs over the past couple of years, especially they way his last one so abruptly ended with NO warning... I have this fear he is going to call me, on his way home - as in leaving for good. And I have to keep telling myself to relax, and that it won't happen.
Today he told me his trip to Houston next week is canceled. Which honestly thrills me, because he was going to be gone for most of the day on our Anniversary... but then when I replied asking what happened he didn't respond... and didn't respond - and I know in my heart it is because he IS totally swamped at work (that's why I would not just call and ask, at least email he can reply when he does have time) - but I just got so worked up in my head about what could be going wrong - even though he sent a little "smiley face" with it when he said it. And in the end, my fears were totally unfounded because they simply rescheduled the meeting all together, in part because HIS office is doing so good now that he is there they have to hire people left and right to handle the loan volume.
And I am so proud of him...
I just felt like crying earlier tonight. He warned me this weekend that he would be late at night until Thursday - so I planned this nice dinner for Thursday to make him meatloaf, which (as far as I know) he loves my meatloaf... then he tells me he was going to go to his moms Thursday. I just wanted to cry. The kids miss him... I miss him... but at the same time I feel so selfish, because I KNOW his mom is really needing a lot right now. Am I a horrible person for wanting him to make her wait until Saturday to see him?
Either way my "surprise" meatloaf dinner is blown now.
I just feel like everything is going SO good... yet I still need things to slow down, if only for a moment so I can breathe. And I need that moment of peace quick - my baby girl's third birthday is coming up faster than I care to admit in September. And after that we will finally have insurance, so my little guy will need his hydrocele surgery. (I want that done before his second birthday in November... the younger he is, the easier it is on him, I think. Though *I* will be an absolute wreck I know.)
Now I am getting totally off course. I am feeling more balanced than I did earlier at least. Thankfully my husband was understanding about my financial miscalculations earlier... that meant a lot to me. And since I am rambling all over the place, I am going to stop while I think I am ahead.
I can't wait for the cool front to come through tomorrow... this heat is making me crazy.
07.26.2005
11:35 p.m.
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