Monday, September 10, 2012

Open the windows, and let the crisp fresh air in.

It's so nice out today. My little desktop weather bug says right now it is 66.2 degrees... and I hope in some grand streak of luck, it does not climb much above that today.
I feel like the past few days I have been this huge ball of unbalanced manic emotions, that has been so far out of my control, it frightens me. On the outside I think I am mostly handling myself ok (yeah, so I have been snappy...) but on the inside... even the cool release from the hot sticky air feels so relieving it could bring me to tears.
It's amazing how what I am about to try to say, I have worded perfectly 2 or 3 times in my head now, but trying to get it "out" is proving much more difficult...
I am missing my husband so much these days. And the kids are missing him terribly. But I knew this would happen - first off we all just have to adjust to him actually working again. And I have to remind myself all the things we will be able to do now that we have an INCOME again... and I know he is working as hard as he is, with the long hours he is because he is trying so hard... he is so proud of this job... and it just seems so perfect... so he is not about to let anything go wrong.
It's just insane how some of it can still bring some of the scars from the past, so close to the surface. Scars I thought I had managed to bury start sending a fog into my mind of questions I already know the answers to - questions that right now do not, and hopefully never again need to be asked. I know he has been at work late these past couple of weeks... I have gotten the emails before he has left... but I have not always had some "beyond a doubt" proof that previously I would have had to have. Just enough to let the memories start to weasel their way back in... to let the fog begin to gather off shore... (before I go any further here, let me take a moment and say I have absolute full trust in my husband right now - I know he is being completely truthful, and is absolutely working his ass off for his family - I am simply demonstrating my personal weaknesses... and trying to explain the way my [warped] mind works...)
"They are going to pay a portion of the cell phone bill until I get my blackberry" - he said last night - and I feel the fog grow closer. And he sees it... he told me "I know that does not make you happy, but I will barely use it..." and my mind starts to wonder. I don't need to freak out about this anymore... I know this. But that does not stop the fog from polluting the back of my mind. (How will I check the bill on a company phone if it does not come here? How will I know he is telling me the truth? What's to stop him from taking advantage if he loses his found love for our life, again?)
And truly, I know better. I am not that worried. I just wish I could control my thoughts more. I wish my mind did not still painfully wander when we simply drive by certain places... mention certain things. I know I have gotten better at controlling it... but sometimes I wonder if it will ever fully leave me alone.
I want the crisp fall air to come envelope everything, and push all the murky, humid leftover air of the past far, far away from us.

I want a clean slate. Things are so good for us right now. Our marriage is strong, our family is strong, my husband has an amazing job.
Sometimes I wish I could just "turn off" the painful memories from the past.
It's still 66 degrees. I can't wait for fall.

9:08 a.m.

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