A long night

The emotional ups and downs of life make me crazy sometimes. Last night, I could not sleep. I was tired... very tired, but I just could not sleep.

Something like a bit over a week ago, I had decided to not take my xanax anymore. We have moved now, my stress level must have been reduced by that alone, not to mention I no longer have so many of the constant reminders of all the things that got me started taking it. Last night, I realized not to beat myself up over it, and that I am not crazy. Sometimes some little nothing can set my mind on such a downward spiral, I should NOT feel bad if I continue to take it.

Last night, my mind was unrelenting... throwing such bad memories and paranoia's through it like a super powered freight train. I should have just gotten off my ass and gone downstairs, taken a pill and I would have spared myself at least a good 2 hours of sleeplessness. But the kitchen seemed so far away, and I was comfortable... just not resting.

And I tell myself, I even managed to identify the exact thing that set off that downward spiral, yet, I could not stop it. No matter how many times I told myself I was just being paranoid, and letting my fears control my mind... I could not break free. All I wanted was to go to sleep... instead, playing over and over in my head were images of his first affair, things I knew, things I should have said, ways I should have reacted... and then, also things from his affair in January... just playing on the big screen in my head over and over. I hate that. I hope one day it stops... and I don't need a medication to help control it.

Things have been so wonderful here. He has been home as much as he can be... he has been helpful... he has even brought me flowers when he has known the kids were giving me a hard time. I love my husband so very much... I don't want the past to continue to taint the future. In many ways I don't think it does... certainly not as much as it used to.

The most ridiculous thing set me off last night too... I didn't even tell him about it. He was sitting beside me on the phone with someone he works with... and he was talking about this girl and how well she does her job... he must have said her name 20 times during the conversation... (in my twisted mind it just seemed like he enjoyed saying it, too much) but then he was saying he will put so and so with this other person for a team, but he will make sure she is with him and so and so for her team... it just made me sick. Obviously I can't let my paranoia and fears mess with his work, and make him less effective and make wrong choices for his company.

I just hate it. I hate the way I felt my heart sink as he constantly mentioned a girls name last night... I hate worrying. I hate questioning. But it is still there. I know it's been better... I have not thought about the past nearly as much since we have been here. But my sleepless night last night just reminded me it is still there. Just makes me want to cry.

06.24.2004
2:36 p.m.