The other day I got a very long email from someone who has read my diary... her situation is quite different to mine. I am the one who has been hurt... she, is risking doing the hurting.
I wish she would come to her senses... I wish she would either give up her affair (and yes, It *is* an affair) or come clean about it. No one should have to go through what I went through. I feel PHYSICAL pain when I think of my husbands infidelities. Physical pain. I never imagined... I've wanted him to scrub his body, every part of himself she could have possibly touched, or breathed against, until he bled. I have stayed up all night, torturing myself about things they may have done... ways they may have laughed behind my back... all the times he should have been with me, spending time with me... when instead he was with her.
Yet you speak as though you are the one wronged. As though it is wrong for him to want to go home to his wife... wrong for him to "do things" for her... like he is her slave rather than doing it of his own free will... if he didn't want to, he would not. It reminds me so very much of an email I found between my husbands whore and himself... she was complaining to him about how he could not even make any time for her on a particular weekend... and how it made her feel he didn't care... the sorry bitch was putting herself before me... on my birthday weekend even. (Speaking of, that is this coming weekend... so many good birthday memories I have from the past... amazing how that one bad one takes over and sticks out with the sharpest clarity in my mind now.)
The things my husband said to her... I can only imagine, though I try not to. I am sure he sugar coated everything he said... but in the end, it was all a load of shit. He is with ME. We have worked through things... and are still working.... it is a very very long road to recovery for us. But I love him so much, I am willing to live with the pain he has caused me.
You will get caught. Or you will torment yourself for the rest of your life. Who do you want to be with? Your husband... your FAMILY? Or him? Will he leave her for you? You have devised such a twisted web for yourself... and hardly anything of it is actual truth.
You say you were once on the other side of the situation yourself... then how could you possibly cause that much pain to your husband? Your family?
I put this as a diary entry, because I know eventually it will be read by who I am speaking to. I don't mean to alienate anyone or make an enemy... just giving my very emotional view.
NO ONE should have to live a lie... but you - you are living two. I hope you come to your senses. I hope things work out for you. I hope you don't continue on in purgatory as you are.
07.01.2004
11:49 a.m.
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