Everything in my life has shifted since I last wrote. And I haven't wanted to say anything. But I thought maybe writing would help me.... though I don't have much time, I have to leave to get my daughter to school in a little while.
Sunday, I discovered my husband beginning an affair. Through his IM's. This woman was all excited, talking about how she told her mom about 'them' and 'their' date. And he was worried he would never be able to look at (her mom) in the eye again. I nearly vomited.
And there I was, so excited about our future - I had gotten over the 'bummer' mood I had fallen into for a few days when I got home... and I was happy. And it was all a lie.
I just feel so lost. He seems set on separation. Maybe I am a glutton for punishment - maybe it is just that I had truly allowed myself to trust him, and fall back in love with him - but I didn't want this to end. He says he has been miserable for a while. I say he was a coward to find a girlfriend BEFORE he told me this. Like he never gave me a chance to fix the 'things' he has issues with.
I procrastinate. I don't keep the house spotless. And my sex drive sucks. All of that I can fix.
He never gave me a chance too. He just wanted to go find someone else. Go be a bachelor again. Leave me and his responsibilities behind.
The past 3 nights I have barely slept. I have cried for hours. I think I ran out of tears - the sky this morning made up for my lack... it has been pouring all day.
Last night, he seemed softer... I accidentally touched his leg when we were both sitting on the floor with the kids - and I had to hold back the tears. He is sleeping in Amanda's bed - since she isn't here again until the 27th... but he noticed I was crying in bed the past 2 nights... so he sat there with me. Like it was going to do any good?
Last night I laid there and stared at the bedroom door in the dark for hours, hoping every creek of the wood floor I heard through the baby monitor downstairs was him, headed up to apologize.... to say he was wrong, to say he wanted to try again. But it never happened.
I just feel so lost. I can't believe I fell so hard for him, again. I came home from Peru with this new, fresh outlook... excited for everything I wanted to share with him. And I feel like I have been hit with a brick.
I just can't stop crying.
Posted Date: : Jul 17, 2007 11:21 PM