Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Am I just nuts?

Sometimes I don't understand the way my mind works.

Last night my husband and I were laying in bed... and the baby was sleeping soundly in her crib. This was the first time in several days she was sleeping in her crib, because the poor little angel's teeth have been bothering her - and I insist on snuggling her to sleep beside me when she is sick/hurting or uncomfortable. My husband and I were finally going to get some true "us" time...

I just don't understand the way my mind works... out of no where into my mind popped this horrific image - that froze me in my tracks. In the "image" I was standing in the door way of my bedroom, facing my daughter's door way - which is directly across from mine... looking in at her standing in her crib... with an absolutely terrified look on her sweet face - and there was fire all around us. Specifically between us - but everywhere too. (Now, in reality when faced with that situation, I would have grabbed the blanket from my bed, dashed across the hall and retrieved my terrified baby, wrapped her in the blanket and found a way out of the house.) But this "image" did not last that long. This was no dream... it was just a momentary flash in my mind of a horrifying situation.

From that moment on last night I could not escape it. And my poor husband... I am sure to him I came totally out of left field when I suddenly asked: "is the dryer off?" and he said "yes..." and I then asked "are the gas burner's on the stove off?" and of course - he said "yes." It was like I could not snap myself back to reality. All I kept seeing was my sweet angel's terrified face - but it was all my imagination.

I just don't understand. I know I must have said that a thousand times since it happened.. but I just don't. What made that thought come into my head at that moment?? It brought me to tears. I knew she was sleeping safe and sound in the next room... but still I found myself half sitting up - with the light on... just staring into her room. I felt like a fool to go wake her and bring her into my room for a fear that came solely out of the depths of my imagination... but I knew I would not sleep otherwise. So when my husband said "go get her sweetie" in the sweetest most understanding tone - I was only too quick to do so. Even still... after I moved her back beside me in my bed... I just stared at her sweet sleeping face. I have no idea how long I stayed like that... but I knew then that everything was "ok" - she was sleeping next to me, and on the other side of me my husband was sound asleep as well... (snoring away) and it was all "ok" now.

But it was all "ok" before - when she was sleeping in her crib. I let my mind run away with me.

How can I ease these fears I have? How can I protect her from everything in the world right now? I know there is no "boogie man" going to jump through the walls to grab her - but how do I protect her from a crazy person breaking in... or a fire... or (even one of my nuttier fears) a plane crashing into the house? Am I just nuts? Or does every parent deal with all these fears every single day?

1:27 p.m.

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