Last night, my husband could not sleep - so around 12:30 am he got out of bed and went on the computer. He came back to bed somewhere around 2:30 am.
I do wish I had gotten up and looked in on what he was doing - but I was just too tired. So, when he did make it back to bed I asked him what he had been doing... "just surfing the web" he said. I asked him if he was looking at any of those sites and he said "no." This morning when I checked the computer there is barely a record of him even being on the computer last night. So... why if he wasn't doing anything wrong... did he bother to clear it all out so carefully? (Not deleting the entire history, but rather the individual sites.)
I wish I trusted him more. I almost feel like I don't know how. It seems like so much constantly happens that raises questions in my mind that I just can't fully trust him, again. For instance, just this weekend we canceled his bank card, and are having the bank send us a new one because of charges that showed up that he swears he did not do. He says it must have been a guy he works with because a few weeks ago he gave him his credit card number to pick up lunch. (Never mind one of the charges is a recurring monthly one that I realized we have been hit with for the past three months.) I don't know what to believe. One of the charges was to view a video of the same exact type of disturbing porn I have found on our computer before. (The one he said he didn't do - so it must have been the gremlin that lives in the basement....)
So, am I a fool for believing him? Or am I an overly paranoid bitch for not?
His company Christmas party is this coming Wednesday. And (though I do want to go) at times I feel like I don't want to go - I would rather be home with my babies... but then I think the "getting out" might do me some good, and it's not every day I get to ride into Manhattan in a big fancy limo... and I am sure we will see the city's Christmas lights along the way which I have yet to see. Plus, I do love the chance to get all dressed up - though there is not a dress in the world right now that will fit me right - my postpartum tummy has made sure of that. I am hoping more for a skirt/fancy top combination... I would be a lot less self conscious that way, but I guess we will see. Still, the bottom line is - I refuse to let him go alone. I mean - a couple of months ago when the idea of this party came up his exact words were "I won't go without you." But it seems now like it is not such a big deal to him if I go or not. If I felt I could trust him, I would let him go alone - and I hate that feeling. I do want to go (currently) but I'm worried about my babies - and we will be so far away. I mean, if we HAVE to get home we can always pay out the ass for a cab, or take the train - it's just when I am sitting in bed at night with my little guy snuggled against me - I feel like there is no way I will be able to relax being away from him like that... and my sweet baby girl has gone through enough recently getting all turned upside down being left at my mother-in-laws while I was in the hospital and all... I just worry she will panic.
All in all... everything just seems to boil down to trust. A trust that has had some serious fluctuations between my husband and myself. Whether it's that I can't leave him in a room alone with my postpartum pain pills, to "lending" a friend (whom I barely know... though has always been sweet to me) $100 and lying to me about it - to wondering if HE really was the one to order the porn and sign up to the dating service on his credit card and then make his "buddy" the fall guy....
I don't like questioning every step he takes - but I do. And every time I start to relax I see another reason not too.
Am I wrong?
It's amazing, this tirade started simply enough - with me getting upset with *myself* over getting upset with him over seeing he left no trace of the websites he visited in the middle of the night. Go figure.
...Disclaimer - since I wrote this out long hand... in coming here to type it I nearly didn't. My mood is obviously having major fluctuations today. Yet I still typed it all in because it is how I feel... just sometimes more so than others.
12.11.2003
2:07 p.m.
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