I feel horrible writing this. And I feel horrible even having these feelings, but, amongst the many, many feelings I am having today, these are some that stick out - and I HAVE to get them out. SOMEWHERE. Somewhere I can get feed back from varying perspectives.
So, here I am. And if what I am about to say is somehow a betrayal to my husband, or horrible and insensitive to his feelings - then so be it. I am not a cold hearted bitch - like I said, these are just feelings in the huge spectrum of feelings I am having.
Today when my husband got to work - he resigned. He did not speak to me about this first. Did not give me any warning what so ever that he was planning to do this. I knew he had been looking for another job, because about a week, maybe two ago he was "demoted." I thought I had written about it but when looking for it to link I couldn't find it... he was told he is now only a glorified loan officer - that the people he brought on are not producing. His pay was getting a HUGE cut, and that was that. At first he told me he would make it work, no problem...
Well, apparently the shit hit the fan today in his office when they told him they were talking his computer away from him, because they wanted him calling leads. This, of course was not to his liking at all, because now he could not sit there and fuck around surfing the web all day, he actually would have to start working leads... I guess he felt he was "above that" - and that he could not even use it to temporarily fall back on.
I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs, but I see it doing no good.... And then I need to know is this one of those moments I am supposed to be "understanding and sympathetic" - because frankly I'm getting SICK of being understanding and sympathetic, - WHENEVER he finds another job, it will be job number 3 since June. Job 3 since we got to Illinois. And job number - god I lost count of the past few years... BUT if I out right say THAT then it may really hurt his feelings and that truly is THE last thing I want to do... its all also just compounded by his dad being sick. I know he needs me right now. And I know I need to be here for him... and I am - I just don't understand WHY he would make such a sudden decision like that without even consulting me first.
The icing on the cake... he "says" he isn't concerned. He SAYS "we have always been fine right" - he forgets to realize we can borrow NO MORE money from ANYONE at this point. I think he damn well needs to get concerned - but if I say THAT I am just making his "major stress" right now worse.........
AND now I can kiss medical insurance good-bye for AT LEAST another 3 months - medical insurance we so desperately need. My little guy has had his 2 month shots - and THATS IT. My little girl has fallen behind on hers too, though not as much as my son. I would love to get myself to the doctor to see why the fuck I am in so much more pain these days, and YES, I would LOVE to get myself something for the pain.
I mean... he was demoted - and they took his computer away today so he would ACTUALLY call leads instead of sit there and fuck around on the internet all day because they probably realized that was the main thing he had been doing... and suddenly he can't handle it anymore. Wouldn't it be more important at least TRYING to get a few loans whether or not your HAPPY just cold calling or not at least it was SOMETHING - but that's "beneath" him and he hasn't "had" to do that in 10 years... so why should he start now... Ohhh.. wait FEED HIS KIDS - never mind THAT reason.
He couldn't at least wait until he HAD a job... he just left. And didn't even bother mentioning it to be until it was done. Isn't that something he should at least discuss with me first... it's only the roof over our heads, our bills, our cars, and OUR CHILDREN WE HAVE TO FEED.
So we have no income now. Yippee.
And if all this sounds horribly insensitive to his "stress" right now - I'm sorry. I had to get it out so it didn't just fester inside me and cause stupid fights over stupid things with him. Oh... and by the way... he sort of apologized for his behavior this weekend, and said he did NOT say "codependent smothering psychopathic bitch" - He in fact said "codependent smothering psychopath." - No bitch - but either way, he was sorry. Though I think I heard him say bitch, too.
And to the twit that posted in my guest book that said my husbands comment about me was right - seeing as your too chicken shit to leave behind an actual way to get in touch with your sorry ass, your comment has been deleted.
09.27.2004
6:38 p.m.
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