Monday, September 10, 2012

Bad dreams, and happier realities

A dream interpreter would have fun with me today... but I think I already know the meanings behind my dreams today. My husband's alarm this morning interrupted my dream, or nightmare... of all of my current concerns... they were just all stuck together oddly...
My husband and I were helping my mother-in-law go through my father-in-laws things. They (whoever they was) wanted to just rip down the garage as it was... with everything in it. The tricky part here, is the garage was the garage from the house I grew up in, the house that burned down. Therefore "they" could have been the clean up crew we used when the house burned down... and I think the fact that it was that garage probably represents my current concerns with my mother and younger brother as well... but back to the dream. I just remember being extremely sad... being strong for my husband who was trying to be strong for his mother... not wanting to let anything get broken or out of order... and I woke up to the alarm - and the dream never finished. I hate when that happens... even though it was a very sad moment - sometimes I think that is how my mind tries to work through things. Maybe on some level I was trying to prepare myself for the future. My father-in-law is still alive - though we have been told he is not doing well. He has started to talk to my mother-in-law about the "future" - as in, when he is gone. It is just so hard... hard for her, and for my husband. I just wish I could help more, and do more.
After that, I was able to fall back asleep while my husband got up, and showered and ready for work for a brief time... and in this nightmare, I think I was still working through past issues from this last year. The way that horrible place in Illinois just seemed to be holding onto us, trapping us there in it's negativity - and I have had such a hard time accepting and realizing how much better things are now. And how, somehow, they seem to just keep getting better...
The dream started with us packing the house in IL to leave, and my husband's friend was there (as he was in real life when we moved, he drove the U-Haul truck following us) and everything seemed just like it was - but there was one difference. The cul-de-sac we lived on had like a guard rail in place of one house, and there was some sort of grassy drop off to another grassy area, that dropped down to another grassy area... just a very big drop. And as our friend was pulling the truck out of the driveway, the truck was fully packed with everything from the house... we were just about to leave, I was upstairs in the house making sure we had left nothing behind, looking down at the truck - and I saw some sort of vehicle get in his way, and he swerved, and in slow motion - I saw this horrible accident. I ran downstairs and outside, and the U-haul was just... gone. Then I looked over the cliff, and realized what I had seen (it had looked like the truck had been hit, and the back door part of it had been straight up, does that makes sense? Instead of sitting on it's wheels it was sitting on it's engine for a moment...) was the truck falling over the cliff. With our friend inside. I panicked, and yelled his name... (clearly fearing the worst) and my husband ran over to make his way down the cliff... and in the end... he was ok. But everything we had, was broken or destroyed. (The important things, our lives, we had.) But it was just so horrible. And was nearly the exact type of thing (minus the cliff that did not exist) that I expected to happen as we left that place.
I am not sure what woke me up from that one... I think my husband coming into the room after his shower or something this morning... It just reminds me still of just what a horrible negative hold that place had on me, on my family. I mean... I just had a damn nightmare about being stuck there... clearly it left some deeply ingrained "fear" - fear may not be the right word... but I think I am getting what I mean across...
In reality, things are totally different. My father-in-law's health is bad - and the doctors have reached the point where they are simply going to "keep him comfortable" - so I hope to get the babies there as often as possible over the next few months. Maybe we will find ourselves thinking the same thing 6 months or a year from now... only time will tell on that.
But otherwise... we are home, my marriage is strong... our finances are finally doing good. I was so worried something would happen and my husband would not get his check today... but not only did he get his check, it was put in direct deposit the first time! I have already paid bills!!! We are going out to a nice dinner tonight and I can just taste it already! The only downer is that my step-daughter will not be with us. Her mother of course came up with a last minute reason she could not visit this weekend... just irks the hell out of me.
I just have to keep reminding myself to put out positive energy, and positive things happen. (It has been working recently!) In a rare merging of my two diaries... I have to say, I have been letting my spirituality guide me a lot recently. I have not been writing in my other diary nearly as much as I would like these days... but I will get to a point where I am focused enough to soon... (I hope.) In the meantime... I am feeling very good about nearly everything - and that says a lot.

3:31 p.m.

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