I really don't even know how exactly to describe how I am feeling at the moment. Very emotional I suppose would be the most accurate. But not in some overly dramatic way. (Does any of that make any sense?)
Yesterday my husband drove half way across the country and picked up his daughter (my step-daughter) and drove back. The moment they walked in the door, my baby girl went running to her big sister... just so unbelievably excited. I had been worried she might not remember her again... but that was not even an issue. She is even attempting a jumbled version of her name. And it is ADORABLE... it comes out "Shanta" which sounds much more like Santa than Amanda... but she is trying so hard. Today she is stuck to her like glue. Mimicking her every move, playing with her... and her eyes just sparkle when she looks at her. I love it. I am loving every second of it.
And at the same time, every passing second is torture, in that it is inevitably bringing us closer to the moment my husband and step-daughter pile back into the car, and drive half way across the country yet again, this time taking her home.
It's breaking my heart. She needs her sister. I see it... I feel it. And part of me is thinking... well... at least this way there is only a few heart breaks for my baby girl a year... and not the continual flow of them every other weekend when she would leave again (as it was when we lived in NY) but no... that is merely a poor attempt at making myself feel better. If we were closer, we could set up a pattern again... and no matter what, the most important thing, the constant interaction, would be there.
Sometimes the way things have "played out" just feel so wrong. I do not overall regret coming to Illinois... the way our lives have grown while we have been here has in most ways been very good. Just... look what we are missing. And the way they interact, the way they are together. I want that. I want that all the time - not two or three times a year. That is not enough. Every other weekend is not enough... (though that is the best we could expect..) and I just want to wave a magic wand and make everything right... but what is right? We came here because there were NO jobs for my husband in NY. And in all the searching we have been doing recently... there are still no jobs for my husband in NY. But, there are also no jobs here. Sometimes it just feels overwhelming. We were backed into a corner there... but now we are backed into an even tighter corner... we aren't even near his family that needs us.
He was supposed to get a call Friday (originally I heard him say Friday, when he got no call Friday he told me they would call him Friday or Monday) about a company in Houston. But... Houston?? Why Houston? I mean... sure, my family is there so at least we would not be alone... and my husband made good points about at least when we DID live in Houston we had the ability to visit NY more often... BUT - we are needed in NY.. if we are to move anywhere it should be there.
So much of it feels out of my control. But right now, I sit and think about everything that has happened today... the light in my sweet baby girls eyes as she gazed at her big sister in wonder and amazement... we need more of that. We need their connection to be strong.
I just feel really out of sorts. So close to crying it is surprising me. Good tears, and bad. Good, because watching them together is just something I need... something they need and it shows... bad because I know the clock is ticking... only 6 more days.