I have this entire self loathing entry that I have been trying to find the time to sit down and write all day long... and finally I got here.
Then the phone rang.... and it's the finance company wanting a payment on our truck... I avoided the call. Then my husband says "just pay them" - and I just wanted to scream. He acts like he is so involved in the money, but he does things that just shows how much attention he does not pay. For instance, for his drive to get my step daughter Saturday I put money in his wallet, and he had the bank card. I told him specifically to not use the bank card, that he only had it with him for an emergency. What did he do? He used the damn bank card. Because "it was easier" - meanwhile the money in the bank was specifically for the truck payment, electric bill, and satellite payment. But that did not matter to him Saturday, because he was just to damn lazy to walk into the store to pay for the damn gas. (Yes, I am writing this while irritated, hence the insults that I only sort of mean.) Anyway back to my point... so I avoided the call... he just said "fine, when they call back I will pay it" - once again showing he does not listen to me or give a damn. Hello!!!! I JUST said the money is now no loner in the account!! Now to be able to pay the truck payment we have to deposit a check his Aunt sent us to help out with my stepdaughters stay here... and it is a personal NY check, so it will take time to clear. But he thinks he can just make some "I am the man so what I say happens" statement that *he* will pay it, and therefore it *will* happen.
In all of this nonsense... the original reason I wanted to write today has been lost to me. I guess it does not even matter any more, and maybe it is pointless. Last night we went to a Pizza place with friends. I caught a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror. I nearly gagged. Who is that person? That is not me. Last year I was thin.. at least, thin compared to the pig that was staring me in the face through the reflection. Even after having my baby boy, I was thin compared to now. And I am just disgusted with myself. I can't even say I don't know how this happened... because I do. I have been having self control issues. And, all day I have been going off and on about making this entry private or not (I won't now because at the moment I just don't care...) but I know how cruel and insensitive people can be. That, plus my husband will try to use my words against me... and he just has a poor way of doing it. He means well.. but it comes out all wrong. Anyway... I feel... embarrassed, and just totally disgusted with myself. At times, I still view myself as thin... but reality hit me hard last night... and I don't even know where to start. I mean... I do... but it just feels impossible. I need to watch what I eat, (which I will not be doing much this week because of the places and things we plan to eat while my step daughter is here) and I need to exercise, which currently feels impossible because of my weight. I get started and it hurts so bad... so I need to go to the doctor and get real pain medication so I can keep going in those moments... I think that may be the only thing to break the cycle. But... I can't just up and go to the doctor, we have no damn insurance... and who knows when we will. My hip even hurts just sitting here, right now and I know that is directly related to my weight. It HAS to be. (If I lose weight and it is still troubling me, I will deal with that then.) I just want to crawl into a corner and cry over it.
And there is so much more.... This morning my husband asked me what would I say to just sort of "waiting it out" until our tenants lease is up in June and high tailing it back to NY. It is probably the best plan we have at the moment. We do already have a house there... and that is where we are needed. But still... getting there will be hard. What if we just run into the same problems there we had before... not to mention... I have silently been doing my best to avoid ending up specifically back on Long Island - we just have so many bad memories there. (Yes, plenty of good ones too, I know, and I am continually telling myself that trying to relax and adjust to the idea.) And I had just hoped from this point on that house of ours could just be a rental... but I am trying to decide in my mind a way I could make it work better for us... and I have some ideas... I just... part of the idea relieves me greatly... and part of it stresses me beyond capacity. I guess only time till tell.
If there is one thing I have learned over the past 48 hours... my children need their big sister, and, even their big sister needs them.