Saturday, September 8, 2012


I don't even feel like doing this entry right now... so it is going to be missing the true passion I feel for this matter... but I honestly just sort of want it "out of the way" in a sense.

Chances are, if you found this entry, you did it merely by browsing my "private archives" because currently I have no intention to link to it anywhere... it is mainly for my personal reflection. However, I do welcome any comments from anyone who may happen to stumble upon it.

The other night, my husband could not sleep... he got up, and came downstairs while I stayed in bed. To most couples, this probably happens on occasion without any one thinking twice. And, I had truly reached the point where I did not "think twice" when it happened. When did I think twice? The next morning. I came downstairs and the web cam was placed precariously... almost intentionally in a position that would suggest it had been used the night before. And to sit in the computer chair, it would have been pointed... right at the crotch area. I asked my husband if he had used the web cam the night before... and he looked at me as if I had lost my mind, and said "no." Fine... then he didn't.
But when I checked the guardian, I found out just how badly he was lying. He had used the web cam alright, and he had shown at least 3 (that I could tell) men his dick.. He talked about what they wanted him to "do" and several other just completely disgusting things. I cringe thinking about it. Funny how though, this time, hurts less than the times he has "chatted" with "men" in similar situations before (he has never before used the web cam though that I could tell) and it does not even sting as much as the gay porn I have found him looking at, though it should sting a hell of a lot more , right? I mean... this is the "next step" and not a step in a better direction. But I just feel numb.
I told him how disgusted with him I am. I told him how much I love him, but though I love him, I feel totally trapped... because I can't just get up and "go" right now... even if I wanted to, and the other day, I wanted to. That has subsided some now. But I made him one promise the other day, that I will keep. I made sure I said it... because I was unsure if I had ever actually said it before or not. "If you ever do anything remotely close to this again, I will take the children and leave you."
In everything that was said between us... I think something actually sunk in with him. At least, I certainly hope something sunk it. If it didn't, then my marriage is certainly doomed. But I hope with all my heart and soul he knows just how damn serious I am about this.
Anyway... below I am including the transcripts (the mains ones) I pulled off the guardian. Unedited (except for screen names) mostly for my own records. I think it is important to mention here, that I am not big on being overly dramatic about anything - and "drama queen" has NEVER been a phrase used to describe me. Therefore, when I say the first thing I did after reading this was run to the bathroom and throw up, I am nothing but sincere.
The following is out of order in places and virtually unedited:
guy1: hi
neospooning: hey
guy1: how are ya
neospooning: good
guy1: busy? chat a bit?
neospooning: cool
neospooning: wassup
guy1: not much man
guy1: i"m Rob
guy1: 21/m/ms,usa
guy1: u?
neospooning: alex
guy1: nice to meet you
guy1: u there?
neospooning: yep
guy1: asl/
neospooning: 18 m il
neospooning: u
guy1: 21/m/ms,usa
guy1: what you up to
neospooning: horny
neospooning: u
guy1: same
guy1: cool
guy1: 5 10 brn/blue 165 pounds 6.5 cut
guy1: u?
neospooning: 5'20m 165 7.5c
neospooning: 510
guy1: no cam that okay?
neospooning: yeah
neospooning: just telkl me what u like
guy1: cool
guy1: can i make a request?
neospooning: yes
guy1: do u have a bunch of people viewin?
neospooning: nah
guy1: can u turn on super mode?
guy1: i'd like to chat with you and "experience" that
neospooning: how?
guy1: how many people are watchin besides me?
neospooning: i dunno
neospooning: how do,i do super?
guy1: well what kinda connection u on?
neospooning: broadband
guy1: cool
guy1: close out your cam and boot everyone off and then invite m e back but only's a direct connection where im's and cam is faster
guy1: is that okay?
neospooning: 'k
guy1: cool
neospooning: ok
guy1: ready when u r
guy1: close your cam out
neospooning: ok
guy1: then invite me back but only me
guy1: something holdin ya back? if u dont want to obviously u dont have to
neospooning: huh?
guy1: well u havent closed the cam yet
neospooning: k
neospooning: 1 sec
guy1: ok
neospooning: better?
guy1: send me an invtie
guy1: invite
guy1: but dont let anyone else on
neospooning: ok
guy1: man i feel like such an
neospooning: ?
guy1: for having you boot the others off your cam
guy1: do you see a button that says super on your cam window?
You have invited guy1 to view your webcam.

You have invited randomguy to view your webcam.

guy1: still there bro?
neospooning: yes
guy1: do you see the button?
neospooning: yes
guy1: click it
guy1: or is it greyed out?
neospooning: greayed out
guy1: hmmm
neospooning: i know i have it
guy1: are others watchin you?
guy1: well it says peer to peer so it should be working
neospooning: im gonna shut web down
neospooning: 1 sec
guy1: or it did
guy1: lol ok

guy2: hi
guy2: u str8?
neospooning: yes
guy2: nice
guy2: how hung?
neospooning: 7.5
neospooning: u
guy2: mmmm
guy2: show me
guy2: im 7
neospooning: lol
guy2: u ever been sucked by a guy?
neospooning: no
neospooning: ]want to
guy2: id love to
guy2: show me that cock
neospooning: u have cam?
guy2: no
neospooning: u seeing?
guy2 has stopped viewing your webcam.

guy1 : ?
neospooning: im here
guy1 : what u up to
neospooning: hard
neospooning: u
guy1 has started viewing your webcam.
guy1 : maybe the damn super mode will work
neospooning: need to talk
neospooning: inspire me
neospooning: ool
neospooning: lol
guy1 : hmm
guy1 : go hump something lol
neospooning: u?
guy1 : oh i'm hard as a rock
neospooning: nice
neospooning: id suckmit
neospooning: it
guy1 : lol
guy1 : cool
neospooning: very
guy1 : u seem to have a bigger build than me
guy1 : sure u're 160?
neospooning: 165
guy1 : thats what i weigh actually
guy1 : u into the toys thing or just the normal jackin?
neospooning: anything
guy1 : u have toys?
neospooning: mo
guy1 : i think i can do without toys
guy1 : my hand is enough lol
neospooning: lol
guy1 : u watchin anything right now?
neospooning: no
guy1 : what udoing
neospooning: wzitng for u
neospooning: tomale me cum?
guy1 : lol i wish i was better at that
guy1 : u should call on someone else to help ya
guy1 : i just am good for normal horny chat without really dirty talk lol
neospooning: dont wannamake mne cum?
guy1 : i'd love to but not very good at it
guy1 : u know?
neospooning: tell me whatturns u on
guy1 : i think lying down next to ya with your hand on my dick and mine on yours would be awesome
neospooning: suck ing u?
neospooning: livcking ur ass?
neospooning: balls?
guy1 : lol not into the licking stuff
guy1 : u could jack me though
neospooning: u can fuck me
neospooning: lol
guy1 : lol
guy1 : how many people u had sex with?
neospooning: none
neospooning: u
guy1 : by the way what does your screen name mean?
neospooning: neo
neospooning: matrix
guy1 : okaywhat about the other part?
neospooning: i like spooning
guy1 : what is spooning?
neospooning: laying side byside
guy1 : huh?

neospooning: there?
guy1 has started viewing your webcam.
guy1 : let's see wha thappens lol
neospooning: k
guy1 : i'm on cable too....i wonder why it wont work
neospooning: odd
guy1 : i'm bad luck i guess lol
neospooning: yep
guy1 : so anyway how bout that request?
neospooning: what u into
guy1 : jerkin all the way
guy1 : kinda boring i guess lol
neospooning: which request
neospooning: We'd better not let the word get out"..."We'll keep it just among ourselves"
neospooning: which request
guy1 : i havent made one lol
neospooning: oh
guy1 : can u do a full body shot and flex for me?
neospooning: sure
guy1 : u have facial hair?
neospooning: no
guy1 : just trying to get a mental picture of you
neospooning: clean
neospooning: like ive been told keaneunreeves
neospooning: lol
guy1 : wait your in the air force....of course you're clean shaven lol
guy1 : really?
guy1 : cool
neospooning: yeah
guy1 : show from far away again
guy1 : cool
guy1 : u should take your shirt off :0
guy1 :
guy1 : get comfy
guy1 : u hairy on your hole if u dont mind me askin
neospooning: not really
neospooning: u?
guy1 : some
guy1 : u ever show it?
neospooning: yummy
neospooning: sure
guy1 : cool
neospooning: so
guy1 : was hard to tell actually
guy1 : think the angle was off
guy1 : but dont worry bout it
neospooning: what?
guy1 : u've done more than enough anyway
guy1 : i hate to keep askin lol
neospooning: ask
neospooning: kinda hot
guy1 : oh, ok
neospooning: lets live out fantasy
guy1 : can u get hard?
neospooning: surte
guy1 : lol awesome
neospooning: u?
guy1 : semi hard now lol
neospooning: cool]
guy1 : lets see it get hard
guy1 : how old u tell me u were again?
neospooning: 18
guy1 : okay just couldnt remember
neospooning: u
guy1 : 21
neospooning: 4-2 86
neospooning: what u do if we were in same room?
guy1 : i'd liek to jack with ya
guy1 : maybe jack each other
neospooning: yea
guy1 : so how's life in the air force?
neospooning: sux
guy1 : how long u been in/
neospooning: 2yrs almost]
guy1 : and u're 18?
neospooning: yes.19in april
guy1 : u can't enlist until u're like 17 or 18
guy1 : oh, ok

guy1: there?
neospooning: yes
guy1: okay lets see what happens
neospooning: any better?
guy1: its receiving the images now
guy1: for some reason it wont even go past that black screen.....i must be bad luck
guy1: sorry i'm being such a bother to ya
guy1: try the invite again
neospooning: uncant see at all?
guy1: okay i see the image now
neospooning: ishut yahoo all the way down dude
neospooning: oh cool
guy1: hopefully super mode will work now
guy1: so whats your stats bro?
guy1: lets just wait a bit and see what happens
guy1: just dont let anyone else in while we wait
neospooning: 5 10 160 brwon hair/eyes 7.5c
neospooning: u?
guy1: close but 165 and 6.5 cut
guy1: u hairy?
neospooning: average u
guy1: can u point the cam at yourself again?
guy1: same
neospooning: yep
guy1: can i make a request?
neospooning: yes
guy1: would u take off your shirt?
neospooning: k
guy1: cool
guy1: can i seriously ask u anything?
neospooning: yes
guy1: or just a few select things?
guy1: dude this is like a dream
neospooning: lol
neospooning: why
guy1: when does the slap come
neospooning: lol
guy1: i dont know....i mean first off u're very very nice
guy1: that's rare in chat rooms nowadays
neospooning: yeaG]H IM COOL
neospooning: opps
guy1: and second u dont mind showing a bit even though i dont have cam
guy1: so i can make a request i guess?
neospooning: yes
guy1: damn super mode lol
guy1: show your undies  please
neospooning: umm...i am not wearing any
neospooning: im in boxers
guy1: oh i couldnt tell
guy1: lol
guy1: can u drop them
neospooning: yes
guy1: man great nuts!
neospooning: lol
guy1: they are big
guy1: can u stand up and do a full body shot?
guy1: no face of course if u dotn wanna show face
neospooning: ill try
guy1: cool
guy1: u married?
guy1: just noticed your ring
neospooning: engaged
guy1: congrats
neospooning: jim in airforce
neospooning: im
guy1: cool
guy1: what do you do?
neospooning: runway management
neospooning: flight plans
guy1: cool
guy1: another request?
neospooning: k
guy1: dammit why wont super mode work lol
neospooning: i dont know
guy1: the button is still greyed out i guess?
neospooning: yeah
neospooning: ive used it before
guy1: lets try adding each other
neospooning: k
You have invited guy1 to view your webcam.

guy3: 25/m
guy3: ok?
neospooning: hi
neospooning: k
guy3: u got cam?
neospooning: yes
guy3: can i see?
neospooning: k
neospooning: how?
guy3: is it on?
neospooning: yep
neospooning: u see?
guy3: click the webcam button above
guy3: nice wall
neospooning: lol
guy3: can i see your cock?
neospooning: k
neospooning: better?
neospooning: what u want me to do
guy3: work it!
neospooning: lol
guy3: get it up
guy3: then a close up
guy3 has started viewing your webcam.
guy3: nice sac!
neospooning: u too
neospooning: into?
guy3: i like to watch
neospooning: tell me what u wanna do
neospooning: nice
guy3: ty

8:53 p.m.

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