Untitled pt2

Sometimes I really wonder why my husband does the things he does. Like his most recent entry in both of his diaries... (click here, or here to read it.) Some of it makes perfect sense to me, actually, a lot of it does. But why say something like "this is end of all communication for now." I just don't get it.
Anyway...
More about what I wrote yesterday now... I realized last night I did not even give my husband's "excuses" and such when I posted it. He said it was because he was angry with me. Because he wanted to "shock" me and in effect that would make me remove the guardian from the computer (clearly he was wrong, it only reinforced the need for it), that he "knew" I would see it and such. And, he said he got no enjoyment out of it what so ever. I can believe everything, but the last sentence. He would not have gone that far, if it had not satisfied something for him. At least, that is how I currently feel about it.
I am really upset because, now I am just supposed to act like it was nothing. Once again he did such a nasty shit headed thing to me, and once again nothing comes of it but some yelling and foul words. But then, I told him that it was THE LAST STRAW. That if anything close to it ever happened again, he would have ruined our marriage. But because of that, I can't keep thinking about it. I have to just "move on." But... now moving on means forgetting that a handful of men saw my husband's dick the other night. And... whether or not my husband is telling the truth about not getting off on it... they damn sure enjoyed themselves. I mean, I can nearly associate that with him fucking someone and using the excuse "but *I* didn't enjoy it so it doesn't count...
Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
Earlier this week, we had decided as a way to TRY to work around some of the "sex issues" we have been having we would schedule sex, for a couple nights a week. Now he keeps asking me did I choose which nights yet... and I would have loved to have had sex with him last night... but I kept thinking about some half gay man who knows where getting off seeing "my" husband's dick just a couple of nights before.
He says it was a wake up call. He says he will never be so "vindictive" again. He says if something was to happen to him tomorrow, he would want me to remember him as a loving caring husband, not some bastard that cheated on me numerous times in numerous ways...
So, now it is just up to me I suppose. He certainly acts like nothing happened already. Maybe it's a good thing... maybe if he did keep saying he was sorry it would just drag it out more. Though sometimes I wish he would....

02.12.2005
3:35 p.m.