Everything is fine... and nothing is ok. Life is amazingly wonderful, yet feels completely inside out and upside down. We are teetering on the edge of great promise, and intense chaos, and neither side has a firm grip on the rope.
We have been having some wonderful times recently... but still, there it is, the shadow in the corner of the room, the fog in the back of our minds - that everything just is not right, right now. We got caught in this fast moving tornado, and the weather man said we had a year to get ready... but tornado's are unpredictable... even the metaphoric ones - and our years warning turned into 32 days worth of warning instead. There is never enough time to say good-bye, and nothing could have made it any easier, but there is still that feeling of having the lights suddenly go out, when you thought the generator had more gas.
The one person that held the family together, is gone. And at first there was so much promise... but things have truly shattered. My husband's brother has shown himself to be someone I truly, never want anything to do with... and if it was not for my children's cousins, the pieces would probably fall exactly like that. But we want to keep the kids close... so hopefully once more of the dust settles from everything, we will be able to get them all reconnected. It just infuriates me in so many ways... but there is only so much control I have over the issue.
Anyway, the past few days have been good, aside from the aforementioned stress. Well, and the damn pain in my foot. I bet I have not mentioned that either have I? A few mornings ago my daughter was having a bit of a fit... I had to give a good pull to get her to let go of the shelf in my son's room. Well, in pulling, I lost my balance, and in trying to make sure I did not fall ON her, I put my foot down wherever I could - which happened to be on a sharp edged square block. I swear I saw stars for 2 minutes straight. I had dropped my daughter at that point, and she just sat there looking at me, puzzled. The pain was really intense. And still is, though today it has finally been some better than before. The arch of my foot has been black with red and purple speckles... I had no idea you could even bruise that spot on you foot... and certainly not that bad.
I also braved the movie theater today. I told my step-daughter I would take her to the movie of her choice this weekend... her choice was Date Movie. Talk about sticking my foot in my mouth. (I am not very big on the slap-stick sorts of movies, but it did have some very funny parts anyway.) Though next time I vowed I will pick the movie.... it was very nice to get out of the house like that anyway - and that was the first time she and I had actually gone to a movie alone together... so it was fun!
And I feel like I am just rambling on now... oh well. Niki I will see you in 12 days!!! I can't wait! (For those of you that missed the entry, I am going to Virginia for my very best friend's [since Middle School] BABY shower!) I can't wait!!!
I will be back soon... I promise!
02.19.2006
7:06 p.m.
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