Monday, September 10, 2012


Consider yourself warned... this entry may reflect as though I am in quite a shitty mood...

And actually.. it's not even that my mood is that bad - it is that I am having some major mood swings.

I am really down. Just, down right depressed. And it is all over this eating nonsense I have been dealing with. I was able to eat a little the past 3 days now. All of it had to involve tomato sauce. Whatever. Tonight it was a horrible crappy store bought frozen pizza, that my husband claimed was "delicious" - once again... I wonder did it taste so bad because of me and my screwed up senses? But every time I try to stick something of actual SUBSTANCE in my mouth... I nearly gag. Have to force myself to swallow so I don't go running to worship the porcelain goddess type of bad. And this has really started to affect me poorly. My husband says to look on the bright side. That at least I can eat "something" - hell... maybe if I had tried tomato sauce Sunday I would have been able to eat it then too... right? I am just so fed up. And I feel so totally alone. He says "well you are better." And I just want to scream. Yeah. Sure. I "am better" and I can't argue that, and I would not want to. But DO NOT TELL ME I AM BETTER WHEN I AM UPSET AND FEELING ANYTHING BUT "BETTER" - it just makes me want to bang my head against the desk and cry.

I mean... how much longer is this going to go on for? I have 3 days of antibiotics left. Shouldn't they be working a bit better by now? Today at the store I had my husband pick up some chocolate ice cream for me... I mean, I am "better" so it should taste ok, right? Granted... he didn't get the plain "chocolate" I was hoping for... but still... triple chocolate is still chocolate ice cream... Yeah - right... tell that to my damn nose/taste buds/fucked up head right now.

All I wanted to do was eat something that tasted good. And "treat like" for everything I have endured the past week. But no... I can't even fucking do THAT.

Once again... I just feel completely alone with this. And I hate that feeling. Honestly, I have this underlying fear that this will never go away... and will just stick around in some form... and though I know that is highly unlikely.. this entire thing just has me totally freaked out. I enjoy my food... and here all of that has been taken away from me at the moment. I mean... I normally look forward to something like this coming Sunday SO much. We are going to go EAT with my mother in law, and step daughter, husband and sweet babies for fathers day. What am I going to eat? Do I beg them to go to "pizza hut" which is always a bit dingy and over crowded in that area of the Island... or do I "wing it" and pray what I order I can handle?

I am just so upset.

Now, tomorrow my husband wants to "sleep in" for father's day, since he can't on Sunday. As in really sleep in.. and "not be disturbed" when the kids get up. And that is all fine and all... but honestly... I feel more resentful. I mean.. I was so damn sick earlier in the week... did I get to do that once? Hell no. And when I did try to "nap" he contributed so much to the noise in the house it was impossible. But I feel even bad saying that much... if I was feeling better... I would be more than happy letting him sleep in... and I would have probably had some plan to make him breakfast in bed, and all sorts of things. So.. now of course I am feeling guilty for bitching... but, that just goes with the mood swings I have been having. Not to mention all the guilt I feel that I could not even get him anything this year. Not even a card... and I feel horrible about it.

And I just feel so alone in this "food problem." And I know it is because he really doesn't understand the severity of it... but just... damn. And I have been SO darn tired. I assume because I have hardly been eating. And then my nose is still all screwy... and my "nasal drip" or whatever the hell it is called down my throat... and... yeah. I am not just in the best place right now.

I just feel... sad. I want to relax. Enjoy my home... being back... instead I just feel like I am going to cry. I know it will pass... and I am just overwhelmed being sick. But really, I just feel like crying.

10:54 p.m.

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