Monday, September 10, 2012

Sickness and Health

Sometimes I get so tired of being the "handy" one around here. (Other times it makes me feel like I actually have worth... but that's for another time.)
My husband stomped off taking the kids (wow, both of them) with him to the bank... probably because he thought I was being "irrational" or some such shit. Meanwhile, I had to install a lock on the back door that is here in the living room, it has one of those funky curved handles so the regular ones did not work. And all I asked was that he keep the kids out of the way... but of course, that was "too much to ask" - and they got into the middle of everything. And then *I* become the bad guy when something gets messed up... (apparently I am delusional too, because he said they had not touched anything.. yet - meanwhile, I would not be ranting if they hadn't.)
But that is really only the tip of the ice burg at the moment. I get such sweet comments, like this one that just makes me want to cry...
"It sounds like you're on the mend AND you're being very well taken care of (Yay Hubby!!). Maybe this move and all that it entailed is proving to bring you both closer and happier together. YAY!!!"

And, in so many ways that is true... and I don't want to undermine what my husband has done for me... but the bad moments seem to carry so much weight... and like the other night, I was feeling so bad, and he was just treating me like I was over reacting, or lying about being sick or something. "Well, if you WERE sick you would be spending all day in bed sleeping trying to get better." - Oh wait... excuse me if I had to get up because YOU have to have me hold your HAND to adjust the gates in the morning. (It would take him 5 minutes to learn, but he does not want to be "bothered" and would rather act like it is too much for his "brain" to handle.) And then if I didn't stick around to do the diapers he would huff and puff... oh, and don't forget he had an INTERVIEW so what was I supposed to do? Give the kids the run of the damn house? And God forbid I tell him NO he can't take one of his naps because I need it instead. I would never hear the end of it. Oh - and when I am trying to sleep he makes more than enough noise in the rest of the house... so it is pointless anyway.
I grew up, with my mother always "sick." Somehow... some way, she was too sick to clean, or work, or whatever. Meanwhile, she seemed perfectly fine to me. And to my father. And he would get mad about how the house was kept... and tell her she was full of shit being sick... and I just feel like now, I worry every time I DO hurt... and when I AM sick - that my husband is feeling the same way my father did.... and is more mad about it, than caring. (MY father had a real reason for not believing all my mother's "illnesses" - my husband does not.) I mean, he does great things for me... he really does. But still so often I am left with this feeling that he just doesn't understand, or care too... and it leaves me just feeling totally alone... and wanting to cry my eyes out. I mean, the vows were "love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health - right?
I hate feeling alone. I hate that we have been at each others throats so much these days. I hate the way he seems so content in his misery. He is always finding SOMETHING to bitch about. (The kids behavior, the way the blinds hang, or the rare moment he has a real reason to bitch, about the cat.) He is just always saying something negative FIRST. It is just starting to drag me so far down.
Anyway... I will leave this as it is. Just felt good to get it out. (And he is back with the kids, so my time to write freely just ended.)

12:40 p.m.

No comments:

Post a Comment