Saturday, September 8, 2012


When I got up this morning and I read that entry by my husband... it just really ticked me off. I am not sure exactly what about it did.. but it just seemed like the entire thing was a jab at me... at
us and everything we have worked so hard for over the past 6 + years... Then I left the house for a bit... took some much needed time alone... and still I feel so confused. Yesterday afternoon... things seemed to be pretty good between my husband and I. We have been doing rather well lately, extremely stressed about his job (or lack of) situation, but overall... we have been pulling together rather than apart. Even he has said how this time he has had at home has been good for him...
And then I am thrown a curve ball. Seemingly out of no where, last night my husband decided he was going to be an absolute shit head. That he was "tired of my spying on his every move and he just was not going to allow it anymore." First off... I was amused he even felt he had the place to say what he was "allowing" after what he has done to me... second, I was deeply disturbed, and hurt. I had not checked that thing in months, until the other day (after I was given a reason to)... truly months. Now, he says he doesn't believe that. he can believe what he wants, but *I* am not the one who has ever given him reason not to trust me. And my other immediate reaction, was what doesn't he want me to see...? Granted, I gave him a lot of shit over "crossing the line" in the talk he was having with a girl whom he barely knows the other day. To me there are some things that stay between a married couple... it's no ones business what *I* like in bed, etc and so on. Now, if he has a PROBLEM with our sex life and wants advice, (which was not the case here) I would understand him going to a long time friend about that... but not someone he just met... even still... as I said, that was not the case here.
He tried to turn it into an invasion of privacy thing... and I know it can be... but I have reason. Then he started to fight dirty. Saying things simply to upset me... because he knows I don't handle myself well when I am upset. That his two affairs never involved the home computer anyway, he wouldn't be that stupid.. and things like that. Things that only came out of his mouth to cause ME PAIN. I hate that about him. When he knows he is wrong, he simply gets hurtful. And then the one he always pulls.. "it's just immature of you" - well... since he always uses that one I just wanted to scream. If our 10 year age difference bothers him that much, he should have left years ago... he needs to just stop bringing it up, or leave. THEN he said he SHOULD have left when he had his first affair... he only stayed because I was pregnant... to which I told him to leave right now then... I was not going to have him here if he wasn't here for ME as well. He backed up and said he didn't mean it that way...
But all this... because out of no where he decides he doesn't want the spyware on the computer anymore...? If he had nothing to hide... he would have NO problem with it. I don't care what he sees of mine... but his mentality is just different.
Then his post in this diary from last night... I just don't know how to react. If he has been that miserable with me... why stay? Does he still love me? Is he still happy... overall? He says he "plays the part well" I want to know where exactly it is he is "acting" and where he is truthful. He says he needs to exist for "larger reasons" and has "no motivation" what the hell is his family worth to him then?? Aren't we motivation? Aren't we larger reasons? What the hell will it take to make him happy??
Is he having a mid-life crisis, is it his medication withdrawal... or has he just finally decided he isn't happy as a "family man?"
I just feel confused. I want us to be happy. I want us to BE US. I am fully aware he is not happy with our sex life. We don't have enough as far as he is concerned... and to be honest we don't have enough for a married couple as far as averages go for most married couples. That IS ALL MY FAULT. I am aware of that... and I am working on it... though I try not to make a big deal of it to him because then it just creates more pressure for me, and the more pressure I feel the LESS in "the mood" I feel. By December I want my son in his own room... it breaks my heart, but then I won't jump every time he turns over. I am trying to lose weight even through all the pain I am feeling from exercising so I feel better about my body... I AM simply trying to loosen myself up but it isn't going to happen over night. But I AM AWARE, and last I checked that was considered a first step. Right?
But to me sex does NOT "make" a marriage. Maybe I am one of the few who value love over sex... does he still love me? What DO you love about me Andrew?

2:16 p.m.

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