Deflated...

Last night...
Last night was a bit of a disappointment. I wrote those entries, and I was feeling all upbeat and happy. I really was. I'd had that really nice drive, and I was feeling so sure of myself.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband just chooses to wipe the smile off my face on purpose. But I know it is not that sinister... he apparently is just that truly oblivious to the nasty way he can say things.
I was talking to him on the phone... he was driving, still in Virginia, saying he should be in this morning between 6 and 8. I was looking forward to it. I took the time to share my woes with him about my mother... because he asked. He always asks about what "bad" things have happened. He always anticipates the bad things. So I told him my irritation with her saying she was "walking" home from that far away spot I had dropped her off at to work earlier in the evening. That spot that gave me that nice drive through the country. I was infuriated she would not just take a taxi back - angry that she even called to give me the "guilt" that she was walking home. She knew there was nothing I could so about it... my babies were sleeping, and my brother was too - so he could not watch them like he had done when I dropped her off.
So I shared that with my husband... then I figured I would go onto the good news... right? While I was way the hell out in what felt like the middle of nowhere I realized there was a water park out there. I have such wonderful family memories of going to a water park called "Water World" in Houston growing up. Some of the few, and strongest family memories I have are from there. For a few summers my father always got us season passes... and we practically lived there. I was looking forward to beginning to make those memories with my OWN family. Knowing they have a section for younger children... knowing any of the more adult rides would be totally possible... because my plan was to go when my step-daughter was here. My husband and I could take turns watching the babies, while the other one of us went off with her onto the other rides.
But no.. I did not even get to get that far into my explanation with my husband. And I was so excited... and he just shot me right down. I told him about the place... and he said he knew, that "it had been there for over 10 years" - and "why would you WANT to go there? That would be no fun for the babies, all the older kids shoving and pushing..."
So much for saying anything else. He was already talking down to me - like I was an idiot, and why had I not thought of that. How stupid could I be, right?
When my reaction was very subdued, sort of a "never-mind" is what I gave him - he launched into this tirade about how since he left I had been "so miserable" and he was just going on... and on... and on.
So I hung up.
I hung up on him mid sentence. I did not want to argue. I had no energy to defend myself... he had just taken it all away from me... before the argument even began. It seemed pointless anyway... he would be sure to "win."
I had been so happy, and just excited. And then, I was totally deflated. Maybe I give him too much power. I guess I could go just go take the kids on my own, though that sort of wipes out the wonderful "full family" memories I had been hoping for. And then I would be trapped with the little kiddie pools and things only - with no husband and step-daughter there to play "tag-team" with me.
This is probably one of those "little things" in the grand scope of things I should not let get to me. But it does. It makes me anticipate the worst - him getting home later today and instantly finding something to complain about... rather than telling me and the babies how much he missed us. I guess I can at least hope for the best... right?


06.27.2006
8:01 a.m.