Tuesday, September 11, 2012


I never dream. I have always viewed that as a blessing. Every so often I have wished I could dream more. But mostly, it meant less interruptions in my night of sleep. There are enough as it is. I don't need dreams jarring me awake too.
This week, my dreams are making up for lost time. Monday I had a dream that a friend of mine from years ago was pregnant. Or his girlfriend was. (But the dream sort of made it seem like he was - but that was just my interpretation.) At one point it seemed like I was going to have to have the baby for them, because he was pregnant - and therefore could not give birth. I don't know... it was really weird. It did make me wonder though - maybe the person I thought would never have a baby - is about too... I am sure somehow I will find out in the future.
Then there was the Tornado dream. And now another disaster woke me this morning. A flood. Everything was just getting washed away. My children were not in this one, which tells me in it - they were safe. If they are ever in any danger in my dreams, they consume the dream. This was just me - watching disaster all around me. Dirty, intense, fierce, force-filled water was everywhere. It is probably another metaphor.
I need to resolve this crap with my mother and brother before it consumes me. They are just intense negative influences on my life these days. The other day my mother basically told me she has no intention to get a "day job." And if she was actually making MONEY at what she is doing, that would be fine. But she isn't right now. And most of the time she expects me to be the taxi. She reiterated that to me too. Like this is just the role she has "assigned" to me - like I have no say in the matter. I am a bit livid - but now that she has "stated it" she is walking around here like the matter is settled.
I just don't know what to do. They have been so helpful at times with the kids. And I was looking forward to that continuing. My baby girl is starting school on Monday. (Yes, I am having a mini-protective parental freak out, but that is for another entry.) And I was looking forward to having their help 3 mornings a week to watch my little dude for about an hour each morning while I took her to school, and went to the Chiropractor. Now I certainly can bring him with me. THAT is not the issue. They just seem to be helping less, yet expecting more.
I just want to scream.
I have the same round and round conversation with at least my brother every day. It is dragging me down. But I don't even have the money right now to give them to say LEAVE. And if I did - my mother (in her infinite ability to take advantage of a situation) would say to just use it to buy HER a car, and let them stay. I feel trapped. And I don't even know what I want. Do I just want them to leave? Or do I want to try to work through it? I have no idea. I was liking the idea of them in the basement at the new house, because the master bedroom is the only bedroom upstairs... and I was very uncertain about having my babies on a different floor than me. But I knew having them below them, at least they would be "surrounded." I have handled this issue in my mind too though, with setting up one of those baby monitor cameras.
And their constant negative energy flow is so infectious. Today I wanted to do a happy thing... I went to Home Depot and my brother wanted to go along. I wanted to look at paint colors for the kids rooms in the new house. First off the entire way there I was getting his speech (yet a-friggin-gain) about how he can't take the bus to work (this is if he was to actually TRY and get a JOB), he needs help, and blah blah blah - that's all I hear now. I tune it out. It is like poison to me. Then at the store - every color I liked for Aidan's room he hated, told me it was too light, and such. You know what - I was ready to scream. This is MY choice. Give me your opinion, fine. Do not STATE how wrong I am.
I want to move to my new house already. (3 weeks and counting....) I want a vacation. I want some CALM to return to my life.

2:40 p.m.

No comments:

Post a Comment