Tuesday, September 11, 2012

What is NORMAL?

This is actually my SECOND entry today!! (There is much better stuff in the first one, too!)
What do normal "families" do for each other. How far do you go to help someone? Even if you know, whatever you do, will not be enough?
I have been going back and forth about keeping my mother (and brother) here still. If I just ask them to go back to Texas, I will have to give them money to make it happen. Having them stay... sometimes feels like it is slowly driving me crazy.
But then it all comes down to one thing - they are family. Aside from my husband and my children, they are my ONLY family. But, how much is too much to deal with.
I had a candid talk with my mother the other day - and she is constantly saying annoying shit that makes it sound like, wrapped up in HER mind, my husband has some grand conspiracy against her. She was saying how her last major job she got, she could not get too because he would "not go so far out of his way to simply drop her off on his way to work... but then, he probably didn't want her to get the job because she would potentially have made more money than he did..."
My jaw hit the floor. First off, she is crazy to think she would have made that much - next - he would have happily gotten her there the FIRST time. But they need to be SELF SUFFICIENT by now.
Somehow they act like getting them around is now my sole responsibility. It is not. It is not my damn fault they lost their freaking car.
My brother is going to leave the first chance he gets - he thought that chance was this past weekend. I was so relieved in so many ways. Angry in others. That he could just leave his niece and nephew like that, without thinking twice. He talks about his friend's child constantly still - but what about the two that are his ACTUAL family? He and I had another go around/endless conversation this morning about how he WANTS to work, but he can't take the bus, and he would need a ride. And how if he was in Texas, his friends, with their ONE car they share, and all their responsibilities would be making sure he got to a job... but I won't - so he is confused.
So... am I wrong? Am I some horrible person?
My mother had the audacity the other day to tell me to buy her a car - and that with the money she would make with the car, she would pay me back. It sounds like a great plan. But so did her insistence that she would have a job within 2 months of moving here to immediately start paying me rent - that I have yet to see a cent of. I think, she secretly thinks I am rolling in money. She always used to insist my grandmother had money she would just "never share" with her. IF she did... it was damn good she never shared it with her because she would have just blown THAT too and expected more. In the end, any penny my grandmother had - my mother had sucked out of her.
Now, she seems to think I am made of money. Like nothing I do is ever enough. My older bother would not give her $20 if she was on the street and dying - because he knows her ability to use people until they are dry... yet she talks about him like he is her best fucking friend. Me? I am shit that doesn't do enough for her... forget taking her in when she had no where to go, feeding her at times... getting her here and there. But it is never enough. I feel like I should become more like my older brother... and not do shit for her anymore.
But that feels wrong. She is my mother. No one can answer this for me - but I am stuck. Between my guilt, what is "right" by society's standards, what is "right" by judging her past actions - but who am I to judge her? Do I have that right? Sometimes I feel like I do... other times I don't.
But I certainly feel judged by her. Judged that she thinks I owe her something. Judged that she thinks I am made of money. Judged that she feels entitled to the money she thinks I have. Judged that she feels I owe her more, and more, and more - when I am the one that puts up with the most.
I have to run....... maybe I worked through some of it. But I still don't think so.......

4:05 p.m.

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