Emotional and tired

I have been feeling really down all day. Just... down. In fact near tears a few times.
Why? I don't think there is one single explanation. I feel... defeated in a way. Defeated by my weight. Defeated by our failed move to Illinois. Just defeated. None of it is so major I can't "bounce back" and get everything back in order... just getting to that point feels completely overwhelming right now.
And in feeling down all day, at the same time, I have been so happy. But down too - and if that makes sense to you, can you please explain it to me? In all that... Amanda is here.. watching her with my munchkins, and seeing the happiness on my husbands face, just means more to me than words can even say.
But on that note... it just reinforces how badly I am ready to get back to NY. But I am worried. Worried about all the same bad memories... all the same baggage returning. Leaving NY, I was so happy. Not because I don't love NY, I do... I absolutely do - it is the place I would prefer to live over anywhere else. Just... I wish he could find a job upstate... closer to my step daughter. Then we could just rent a place there and still rent our house on Long Island.
This choice to move back, is really great - and really what we need. But it just does not change the job listings in the paper. We have been looking in the NY papers... the papers in all of the North East... and there has been NOTHING. But here I am... ready to start going through the garage and packing things... with no where to go.
Plus I worry when we tell our tenants "ok, you have been horrible tenants, and we need the house now anyway so we are not renewing your lease" that they will not just up and leave right away. I have to look up what sort of notice we have to give them and how long all of that could take.
I am just really, really overwhelmed right now. And my weight... I mentioned it in my previous entry... I don't even know what to say about it. I am sore constantly and it has to be at least somewhat linked to my weight.
I just feel tired, and emotional... and I don't know what else. I don't even know what I need. Aside from the obvious, a "plan" and a way to make it happen. We have a plan... but it only consists of "lets go back to NY" but the "how" is elusive.
This entry is going into my private folder, because I think I just sound pretty pathetic.

02.22.2005
1:33 p.m.