I was sitting rolling my thoughts around and around in my head, and I realized... my hip is hurting so darn bad. The worst it has hurt in probably a year, at least. (Now, sometimes I get those shooting pains and I am not talking about that, but steady constant pain... it is the worst it has been in a long time!) I don't understand it... just a constant, steady, throbbing/shooting pain in my hip joint. Not even on the nerve like my sciatica. This better be something I can sleep off...
Anyway... back to what I was saying... first off, I did another entry earlier, you can find that here and I even got really brave and uploaded a picture of myself to my neat little picture thing (I LOVE) at the bottom, you can find that here.
The other day I mentioned something about not thinking my husband was stressed "enough" about this situation we have found ourselves in... and first off... that was probably a really bad thing for me to say, it WAS my opinion, but there is never a "right" amount of stress you should feel for anything... and if you can get through a ruff situation without being super stressed... then that is all the better for you. But I have realized... he is stressed about it, and maybe just does not realize it - or want to admit it or something... because the past couple of days, he has just been really darn grumpy. And I can see it... he is TRYING to push my "buttons" in any way he can. And then realizing that, it irks me even more, because right now, we need to be pulling together not jumping down each other's throats.
I just want peace, and serenity in my life. I want security. Doesn't everyone though? I hear in my husband's voice, as he speaks to his daughter (my step-daughter) on the phone how much he longs to be closer to her... and I look at my position, as a mother, and I know how painful it must be. We made a choice we felt we had to make in moving here last year. The opportunities were exhausted in NY, and I am not even thinking that will have changed yet... but it has to be worth a try. I can't even imagine the strength it must take for my husband to be so far away from his child. And then, couple that with the turmoil his mother is going through, with his father in the hospital - she has even had to get an attorney to fight the insurance companies who are trying to "throw him out" of the hospital... even though he can't walk, can't breathe, and would simply end up back within a week - we are just so needed there, not here. Sure, I do love it here... but it is not worth all that.
It is time we went back home. Or at the very least, got ourselves a bit closer.
Then again... if he some how ends up with the job here he is interviewing for on Monday... we will have no choice but to accept that we will remain here a bit longer. I guess I am just tired of feeling so unsettled. I see us going back sooner or later, so I would just rather we did it already... why prolong staying, accumulate more "stuff" only to have to pack it later. I want to be where I am going to be and not have to worry about how easy something will be to pack or not. It gets tiring.
I don't even know where I am going with this entry anymore. My point was... I can tell my husband is stressed... he has been a bit of a shit the past few days... and I hope that stops. I hope he realizes it so we can pull together, and not push each other away. We need to be completely unified right now, because the next month is not going to be easy, no matter what happens.
And my hip is hurting so very bad. I really hope this goes away by morning.
01.29.2005
11:59 p.m.
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