I am very, very upset - and sad.
I have been sitting here staring at the computer screen, wanting, hoping the words would just flow out of me the way I need them to so I can get some sort of "release." But they are not coming.
Sometimes my husband is amazingly ignorant about my feelings. You would think after over five years of marriage, that he would know I am not so shallow - and yet he acts as though I am.
My husband has not been around enough for our baby girl recently... when he is around, he is tired, or not "really" here or whatever. And I am sick and tired of being walked all over by my ten year old stepdaughter. This weekend that all kind of ran together.
My stepdaughter's attitude has been driving me increasingly crazy. She expects to say "jump" and have my husband say "how high" - and in the past... HE HAS. I refuse to allow that any longer. He has *two* daughters, not one... and he damn well better know he will not play favorites. I could give a shit if she is his "first born" - that should mean nothing. As *my* daughter grows, she is going to see daddy give HER the same amount of love he gives his other daughter when she is around, never less.
This weekend: Saturday we had my baby girl's first birthday party at our house, in the form of a back yard BBQ. Before anyone got there, my stepdaughter was told she was not to go into the basement... period. (Remember that information for later use.) Fast forward to somewhere in the middle of the chaos, and I am inside, trying to get my grumpy munchkin to nap, because everyone is outside and she has gotten a bit overwhelmed and needed a bit of a "power nap" - at this same time my stepdaughter is inside with several of her friends, making an immense amount of noise... I call her into the room I am in and ask her to go outside, and tell her I am trying to get the baby to sleep, that she really needs a nap. They all go outside. Moments later they are back inside. I give them the benefit of the doubt and wait... and wait... and they are getting louder and louder AGAIN and my baby girl is now awake AGAIN and crying. I call my stepdaughter to me again and tell her "I told you to take it outside" and she had the nerve to SNAP back at me "Well, my DAD said we could come INSIDE." So I told her I don't care what her dad said, I told her to go outside first and that I had to get the baby to take a nap. So she stomped away - and finally they went outside for good. Later I asked my husband if he had given her "permission" to go back inside - and he said she had not even asked him.
Remember the "don't go into the basement" statement from above? It was getting late and some people had left... we were still outside, and there is a commotion, and one of my stepdaughters friends comes outside crying, with a goose egg welt on her forehead the size of TWO golf balls side by side. (If she were my daughter, we would have been on the way to the emergency room to make very sure she was ok...) But after the initial shock and everyone is calmed back down we asked how did this happen... "she ran into a door" - oh.. what? "downstairs, she ran into a door....." At that moment - we dropped it. I quietly told my husband at the very least we should ban her from the computer the next day though - and he agreed.
Later that night after everyone had left we explained to my stepdaughter that she was not to go on the computer - and why... and she started arguing!!! She "did not remember" being told not to go in the basement... anyway - that point aside I also took this opportunity to mention how she had defied me in coming back in the house - and MY HUSBAND STARTS TO HUSH ME!! He said he "did not want the fight." Right - so I can just continue to let her run around the house like she owns the freaking place and be as obnoxious to me as she likes??? No. But of course, my point was not made, and probably never will be.
The next day, Sunday... FIRST thing in the morning my husband says to me "maybe we should just let her go on the computer." That's just ridiculous. Her friend nearly got a damn concussion because of her doing what she wants whether or not she was told not to or not and he wants to just let her slide? So then the rest of the day he felt "bad" for her. Every damn second he was "checking" on her... meanwhile he does not check on the baby half that much. Now he acts like I am trying to take time away from his "first" daughter. God he needs a fucking reality check.
I feel like a single mom so often these days it is making me crazy. Apparently he thinks it is too much for me to ask that he gets home by 7pm a few nights a week. Meanwhile, he can't even do it when he HAS to. I just hope he does not make me late for her Dr. appointment today - or for my appointment tomorrow. This weekend he said "she has 'grown' so much this weekend." No - he just does not stop to take the time to notice on the week days. He has a great job now and he is happy with it - and that is very, very important. But he is giving "200%" at work and leaving ABSOLUTELY NOTHING over for his family.
I don't know. I can't get the words out that I want... I feel like I have typed a lot - but said only a quarter of what I wanted too. I don't want the world from my husband - just more quality time... and less time wanting to throw the pillow over his head because his insanely loud snoring has been keeping me up at night. (I got an hour and a half of sleep last night, until he left, then my baby girl was kind enough to give me 2 more hours.) And he gets mad at me because it "wakes" HIM when I ask him to roll over. Go figure.
I just want a little peace and quiet - with no strings attached for once. Is that so much to ask for?
I know this entry came out nothing like I had hoped... I am mad about it all... but sad too. I am just better at ranting about it when I am mad... but right now I am just more sad, and hurt.