Feeling Down

I wish my husband and I could get comfortable in the bedroom again. We are so close with so many things, but the one thing that has been lacking recently has been our physical intimacy.

It is completely my fault. I have just not been up for it, physically, or emotionally. At times I feel like it is driving us apart which scares the hell out of me. Of all the stresses we have in our life right now, I don't need THAT stress too.

But it is there. It's always there. The other day we actually managed to have some time to ourselves, and I thanked him for being so understanding that we don't get time like that a lot. And he said of course he understands... he said all the right things, at that moment. Then the next day, he hinted he wanted sex... then last night we actually got to bed by about 11:30pm, so he wanted sex. And when he realized I wasn't up for it he started putting on the pressure... again. So I told him what happened to "always understanding" and he said sometimes he truly doesn't understand.

It just makes me want to cry... because half the time I don't understand either. Either physically it is uncomfortable, or mentally I am just not up for it. He has done so well at already putting his most recent infidelity totally out of the picture in his mind, but he doesn't see it is not out of the picture in mine. Frankly, I don't even think I have even given myself the chance to fully grasp it yet. When I think about it, my mind goes to his previous affair, and not his most recent "fling."

It all just hurts. I want a normal sex life with my husband. I want to anticipate going to bed with him at night... but right now I don't - I feel so pressured and it is really bothering me. But now, he may even get mad at this entry because he doesn't understand. And how can I explain to him that I am simply not in the mood... ever these days. He is frustrated, I am frustrated... and I can't stand the tension it causes.

I need to break through it but I don't even know where to start. He has been more "touchy" out of the bedroom recently, and that is nice... maybe that is a good place to start?

Then he says something like he did earlier today "are we ever going to use the "toys" you got us for Valentine's Day" and I just want to pull away from him and crawl into a hole.

I need him to work with me... really work with me, and not get frustrated. It's just really bothering me.

04.16.2004
5:12 p.m.