Intimacy

I feel like a horrible wife. My husband and I had a chance to get to bed together early tonight. He wanted to take it. I could tell... he paced around the house, hinted he was bored, tired, etc. Until finally he went off to bed, alone.

I know it would make his night for me to go in there to wake him. To give him an intimate moment that has become rare for us recently. But I doubt I will.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I love him so very much it hurts. And I DO want to have sex with him. I just hate feeling so pressured for it. And he is pressuring me. I guess because basically he is very hard up. His libido seems to be constantly in over drive whereas these days mine barely registers on the charts.

We begin to get intimate and my mind starts to wander... to his affair while I was pregnant with my daughter 2 years ago... or, to his recent infidelity in January. You know, I have barely even grasped that he just so recent as JANUARY fucked another woman. Told her he cared for her... formed an email relationship with her. It feels so far removed from our daily life right now that I can't even fathom it.

But at times when I need it to remain in the shadows of my mind, it rears it's ugly head. Reminding me of how untrue he has been to me in the past... laughing at my ignorance, making me feel so small... and sometimes I can't hush those voices in my head - mainly the times when I need to hush them most... as I am lying next to my husband in bed, when he so desperately craves an intimate touch. I feel frozen.

I want his touch. I need it. I want to feel wanted, and loved so deeply that it reaches new heights and emotions... I want to feel like I am the only one he could EVER be with again. Valued like my heart and soul are only surpassed in his heart by our children... and generally I do feel that way... and then comes the pressure.

When it's not him putting sexual pressure on me, it is me putting it on myself. I know he wants sex, therefore when I don't give it to him, I worry he will be inclined to find it elsewhere, causing me stress, and thus this sets up a vicious cycle.

Anyway... I have gotten tired, and am rambling away. Time to go crawl into bed and hopefully get a good nights sleep.

04.24.2004
12:19 a.m.