Fell down on my knees...

(Yes, the blog titles these days are lyrics to a song. - Crossroad Blues, Robert Johnson.)

So... each day I get 2 horoscopes emailed to me. And recently... they have been down right freaky. Let me share today's with you:

Dear Lisa,
Here is your horoscope
for Friday, July 27:
You know what your mother would tell you to do. Your best friend would do the exact opposite. The real question is, what do you honestly want to do? Your choice may lie somewhere in the middle. Figure it out.

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The Moon enters conservative Capricorn at 2:20 am EDT, reflecting our need to be sensible over any desire to feel pleasure. We aren't as interested in immediate gratification unless it is a stepping-stone to something more. But our desires may remain unfulfilled, for Venus the Lover apparently stands still in her tracks today as she enters her 6-week retrograde phase. Patience is our keyword as we look back before moving forward again on September 8.

As I said the other day... I have just been craving my husband recently. In ways I don't think I have ever before. It's just ridiculous. I hate this insanity. This confusion. The all consuming wonder about what the FUCK is in store for me and my family in the future. Currently the definition I mean when I say family is myself, and my children. Normally, my 'husband' would be included in that too. But not today. Hopefully, one day he will be. But, not today.
I just want to fix everything. Sometimes he doesn't even seem as though he WANTS it fixed. It is driving me crazy. My step-daughter and her friend are here this weekend... her friend goes home Sunday, she will remain for 2 weeks. During this time, we are basically 'playing house.' It is so completely unfair to me. But to him, it must be totally normal.
He says to me earlier, he has been very HAPPY with the way we have sat on the couch at night, and talked. Meanwhile, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to beg him to fix his screwed up head and get over his midlife crisis - and tell ME HE LOVES ME again. But he hasn't.
This evening... in an effort to save himself I guess the embarrassment of sleeping on the couch in front of my step-daughter's friend, he asked me if he can sleep in his 'spot' in the bed. Hasn't he got any idea how much I want that!?!?! Does he have a soul? How the FUCK could he possibly ask me that!?!? I want him to sleep with me so badly I can hardly THINK straight. But - not if it means nothing to him. (Back to that horoscope... is it a stepping stone to something more... or not?) How could he be so selfish, to ask that of me - knowing how sad and lonely I have been?
I just want my life back. I want my husband back. I want to feel the love I deserve. Why can't I have that? I have given him so much... so many chances.... and I have begun to wonder... is he just leading me on? Pretending there MIGHT be a chance for he and I - so this little 2 week vacation with his oldest daughter goes smoothly... so he doesn't have to deal with what HE has done right away? Is he lying to me about a chance for us.... just so he can leave the moment she does? Or, does he really still care? Does he really still want a life with me?
I feel so alone, and confused. I want nothing more than to tell him - yes - come sleep beside me tonight.
But not unless it means something to him. His silence when I said something... spoke volumes. I guess it wouldn't. And that makes my heart hurt more now, than it has all week.
After 9 years... I would think he would want to give it another try. I certainly hope he comes around and sees it that way.
I just want to let him sleep in my bed tonight.... but not if it means nothing to him. (Nothing more than saving him the embarrassment of sleeping on the couch in front of his daughter's friend.)
I just feel like crying. I just want to retreat to my room in tears. But I can't. I have to put a big, fake smile on my face and take the girls to the last showing of Transformers. The entire weekend will be fake smile after fake smile..... and he seems to breeze through it so easily. I just want to mean something to him. I just want our life back.
I just want to let him sleep in my bed tonight....



Posted Date: : Jul 27, 2007 7:30 PM