Thursday, September 13, 2012

I went down to the crossroad...

Dear Lisa, Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, July 25:

Three versions of the truth always exist: yours, the other person's and what actually happened. Once you truly understand that, you'll be in on the cosmic joke. Even better, you'll have already moved on.

I know this. I have said this to so many people. And sometimes these days, I am understanding it. I just don't exactly know WHAT I am supposed to be doing... or thinking.

My 'husband' seems to have softened a bit. He is exploring getting therapy. I just hope that will work. I put his name in quotes, out of a mixture of my anger, and hurt. I still don't know how I am supposed to be reacting. He seems content to stay here... in my step-daughter's bed until she gets here on Friday... and on the couch while she is here for the following 2 weeks. But I have no idea what to expect after that. Is he expecting to move out? Just stay here and remain in limbo? Try to work this out? I don't even think HE knows. He keeps hinting he is "comfortable" in this house......... just not with me. How is that supposed to make me feel?

He deliberately made me feel like everything was okay. He deliberately deceived me. Now suddenly nothing is okay, and everything is all screwed up - and he wants me to be okay with him just hanging around IF he does go through with his idea to leave me. He has no idea how painful that would be to me. And it is just selfish of him.... It's like he wants to be my husband, without sleeping next to me at night... without the emotional attachment.

I just hope he finds a good therapist - and realizes this to be the mid-life crisis it is. I need him to realize that his family is his priority, and that I am his family too.

I have spent 9 years seeing him as mine. I want to just take all the horrible, heartless, hurtful things he has said, and file them away as the lunacy of the depression of his manic depressive state he says he has, and has had for years. Like the 'high' he has been on for the past few months has cracked, and he hit bottom. I just don't want to be the victim of it. I don't deserve that.

So, meanwhile, while he sits happily in limbo - 'deciding' if we have a marriage or not... what am I supposed to do? I have chosen to move forward... hoping he comes to his senses... but preparing incase he doesn't. What exactly does that mean? I haven't got a clue at this point.

He says he is going to take care of us. (If we do separate.) He says he is going to keep things "like they are" - meaning I don't have to go back to work... because at this point, that hasn't been possible. Anything I could earn... would be eaten up by the cost of daycare for my baby boy. He says these things........ and I hope he means them when he says them... but I have to worry they won't actually happen. I have to wonder, did he promise his ex-wife the same thing? I know first hand how little of what we owe her we have paid her through the years... did he tell her he would be around constantly too? Because I know first hand... how often he wasn't. It scares the hell out of me. So - I have been trying to figure out, exactly what I will do, if his promises turn into lies. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I hope NONE of this happens at all. I hope he regains his sanity, and realizes he still loves me.....

At least I have hope. But hope, isn't keeping the empty spot next to me on the bed warm at night. Nothing is... and I have been feeling so alone. Upstairs on my own, all the animals... the children, the husband - that may or may not stay my husband... are all downstairs. And there I am... alone. The tylenol pm didn't work last night.... I guess I have taken it too many days in a row. I wonder if I will sleep tonight.

The past few nights, I have craved him. As he walks past to brush his teeth in our bathroom at night, I have wanted to ask him, to at least just sit with me for a moment. Just so I can pretend he cares. And hope that he really does....

See... at least I have hope.

Posted Date: : Jul 25, 2007 2:11 PM

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