Thursday, September 13, 2012

Love and Desire

I have spent nearly every second of the past 2 weeks, building a wall. A thick, hard emotional wall between my 'husband' and myself. And I fought it, and cried so hard with every brick I laid.

And I don't know exactly what is wrong with me... but all he had to do was flash his smile at me last night... and the wall just came tumbling down. He seemed very different... honestly caring. Something I have been craving for weeks. I hope it was sincere. I hope it wasn't a fluke.

We sat and talked for a while last night... he basically sat there and told me - he is a complete hazard to himself... and his own worst enemy. But in all that... he is still unsure of what he wants. Or where his head is at....

And I just don't see how any of that is fair to me. (He forgets his priorities, has a mid-life crisis, and I pay the price. - Which inadvertently means his/our/MY children pay the price... if he doesn't manage to screw his head on straight again.)

So, I don't know how to balance this. It seems like he opened a door last night talking to me... and I actually enjoyed his company... I wanted to be close to him.... but how do I know he meant it like that? How do I know any of it was genuine? How to I balance my desire to keep my family together (and when I say family, I mean him as well) - with my desire to protect my children at all costs if he forces everything to fall apart?

It's not personal... it's business....? Or - it's not business... it's personal? I am trapped in this space in between. All I want is my husband's head on straight. I want him to be sincere. Truly confide in me - in a way he apparently never has. Look at me as an equal - like he has pretended to in the past. But I have to trust him again too. Because instead of coming to me with his problems... he went straight to another woman. That gives us an entirely new hurdle to get through.

I love him so much... I feel so completely torn apart inside.

I am optimistic after our talk last night... sad, angry, hurt... alone - and fiercely protective of my family (which in this sentence, means my children.) - how do I balance this?

Last night me mentioned going to a particular restaurant we have both wanted to try.... and that would be wonderful, and sweet - if we were a couple.

I just hope he is as sweet and caring when I see him tonight, as he was last night. (Most importantly, I just hope it is all sincere....)

Posted Date: : Jul 31, 2007 10:19 AM

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