Monday, September 10, 2012

Forward thinking

I hate uncertainty in my life. Insecurity too. Wondering where the next paycheck is going to come from and therefore whether or not it would be foolish to get that extra shirt for my daughter, that she could use, but does not have to have... or foolish to get the Halloween decoration's for outside the house that I truly desire. After all.. these things are not free.
Why is it, the things I loathe most... have thrust themselves into my life so often recently? We just had such a good "run" too. I had just reached the point where every time I spoke to my husband, I didn't ask "so is everything really ok?" In that "waiting for the other shoe to drop" tone. And as soon as I get comfortable... the shoe drops.
And, I am not saying all hope is lost.. the black cloud has taken over, and that sort of thing... I am not. I am just frustrated. And frustrated with being frustrated.
My husband is on his way to an interview now. He did 3 phone interview's this morning. He has so much planned for this week already... hopefully his "I am not worried" statement will prove sincere.
But now I am scared for a different reason. When the hell will I ever be able to relax and think he has true job security again? Over the past few years... there has just been too many jobs... and too much time without one for me to be comfortable that ANYTHING is not too good to be true. Two of the jobs lost were truly his fault. (He says they had nothing to do with it.. but I blame the loss totally on his affair for the first one, and fling for the second... absolutely, and without a doubt.) Other than that... there has been so many various reasons... most out of his control.
He himself is not fully sure of the reasons he was fired on Thursday. They are "making changes" they told him. It is just really a crushing blow. At least to me. I had just relaxed. Just gotten comfortable. I was just beginning to look forward to the large Christmas bonus he has been promised (based on the way he raised the production) and the fact that we have insurance now... and I had begun to slowly slide away money into a savings account. If this week does not go the way my husband hopes, and dare I say expects... I can kiss that hard fought for $300 good bye.
I just wish I had all the answers. One moment I feel "okay" and hopeful. The next I just want to cry. Why does this sort of thing always happen to us?? (Yes, a momentary pity party... but I don't know what else to think about it...) It was NOT brought on ourselves. We have been steadily climbing out of our hole.
I don't know.
A good note... I think I am finally beginning to make a dent in my weight. For over the past 2 weeks now I have been following my "ediets" plan the best that I possibly could... and I have truly worked every other day during the week. Today... the scale went down... a half a pound. Now, normally I would scoff at that and remind myself it was just the scales normal daily fluctuation... but I know my body is changing.. ever so slightly. So, I told myself today that muscle weighs more than fat... so, I have really lost more... but gained muscle from my work outs. Sounds plausible right? Hopefully at next weeks weight in I will have dropped the 2lbs this week it says I should.

2:25 p.m.

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