Thursday, September 13, 2012

From soothing chaos to raging calm...

Oxymoron? Yes, I intended it that way.

I figured... Jillian starting Kindergarten, and a real "routine" getting started - I would suddenly find myself with this abundance of TIME. I don't know WHAT I was thinking! Since school started last Wednesday - I have BARELY been home! Running from one place to another, doing this and that... today at least part of it was spent doing things I WANTED to do... (Lunch with a friend...) But just when I think I may find a moment to do the things I had PLANNED to do with all my time (there are cobwebs hiding in the corners of barely used rooms in my house... I know they are there... and there is gunk in spots on the kitchen floor that REALLY needs to be introduced to the mop) - something new comes up that 'needs' my attention. Like the oil light coming on in my quite NEW truck. Ugh. I could not get an appointment until NEXT Tuesday - but they want me to run by with it tomorrow just for a moment so they can make sure it is nothing that needs to be attended to RIGHT AWAY. Sheesh...

I just am craving a good, quiet dinner. With candles... and a back rub. And I wish I could go to sleep at 8 pm and get up at 9 am. Or even 8 am... I would be thrilled with that. The problem is.. even if a moment to sleep that much presents itself to me - I won't take it. Because sleep sometimes seems like such a waste of time. There are many more things I would RATHER do. Yet, I need the sleep.

My baby girl started Kindergarten last week. She was so excited and looking forward to it. And she still is... though it has taken a bit of a toll on her. She can't seem to answer me about what she did each day, and she has regressed a bit with her ability to give me answers that make sense. I ask her what she ate for lunch, and she has told me the same, exact thing each day - not because it is what she ate - but because she knows I am asking about food, and it is what she can force herself to say. Does that make sense? She hears the questions, and knows the answers, but doesn't realize I am asking her about HER day, TODAY. And she has been SO fragile... and is crying very easily. I expected a transition period... I just hope things start to calm down a bit. Tomorrow she is starting dance lessons. She has been looking forward to it for SO long. Since her Daddy got her a "Bella Dancerella" DVD earlier in the summer. She has talked about "Dance School" - and tomorrow is finally her first day. It is going to be hard at first to get her to understand that is something she only does ONE day a week though.

And how am *I* doing given all the issues from recently? I think I am doing okay. Getting better anyway. I am asking more questions - not that I *want* too... I just am. I NEED too. I wish I was as trusting today as I was last week, but I just don't feel like I can be yet... and I am trying to keep going forward like I was not dealt ANOTHER blow. At first it was very hard... I questioned whether or not I could do it yet again. But he really, truly seems to be working towards making things better. I have to admit - I am still wanting more. But I am not exactly sure WHAT more.

I NEED him to touch me more. I realized that last night... I have been missing that so much - for a while. For him to just walk up behind me and touch my back, or sit next to me and touch my leg. I told him that last night - his reply sort of startled me... "he is working on it..." I didn't THINK it was something he needed to work on. Maybe I just took what he said the wrong way. I just need to know he wants to be close to me... and that would be a very effective way. I really do miss that... and I just now realized how much.

But, I will close this for now. I wish I had run the vacuum today... I *have* to do it tomorrow. The dogs shed so fast!!!

Posted Date: : Sep 10, 2007 8:04 PM

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