Just STOP and WRITE

Okay, I promised to clarify what I wrote, and then left you hanging. I am so sorry about that. Life just got a little nuts... my BABY girl is in Kindergarten!! And I feel like yesterday I didn't have a SECOND to breathe, and today, I had loads of time... I wanted to do laundry, and all sorts of things... instead I sat there half comatose with Aidan playing computer games, watching a movie with him I have seen something close to 20 times... (or more.) - Zathura, by the way.

Anyway... I was just DRAGGING today. My hip freaking HURTS, (new readers... it's an injury from a long time ago, it sucks, but I live with it...) but I did it to myself... I went to the gym yesterday, and the bikes I use were ALL taken. Now, normally I am the ONLY one on them... so, okay.. I remembered the piece of equipment that, I had tried one time a while ago (different gym) and it whooped my ass good and proper... I lasted I think 3 minutes (back then) - so... I strode on over and went at it, (Elliptical Trainer or something - it simulates Cross Country Skiing) and I made it over a mile, and lasted 18 minutes. Today - my legs H-A-T-E me. Tomorrow... I will use the bike. BUT - Monday, I will conquer the Elliptical. (Well, at least best yesterdays time.)

Okay - enough mundane crap. What the hell was I ranting on about the other day you ask!? "Was that what I think it was, or were you just venting..." - No... it really was what you think. Yes, I caught him still talking to HER. Freak out? Major. I just don't know what to say. He is promising I *now* have his full attention. He was screwing up... he will make it better... I have to say - at least now, finally he is SAYING the right things. And it sounds like he is sincere. I just really feel a bit crushed. Really. I mean, I had let myself dive in head first. And I was doing everything I knew needed to be done - and ENJOYING IT - and he was STILL slinking around behind my back. Sure... just talking to her - but that is like keeping your back up plan in place. And I am worthy of his EVERYTHING.

So... I just feel like I have taken an emotional 4x4 to the gut. And I am trying to get myself back to that place I was at. I feel like I NEED something more from him right now.......... but I don't know what. I can't even put it all into words.

I had HOPED writing would get some of it out. That is how I process.. but, I am not having much luck. So, I will resign for now - and be back later, or tomorrow, with clearer thoughts and a more eloquent way of expressing them. (I hope!)

Posted Date: : Sep 6, 2007 7:45 PM