I think I mis-titled my last entry. Because in fact - there is little rage in my life now - and it resembles nothing close to calm. I transposed my own self-created oxymoron!
Before - life seemed okay. On the surface, everything was pleasant and calm. But underneath - the under current was pure rage... unhappiness, and betrayal. The "wool" was being intentionally kept over my eyes - and I had no clue it was there... and so on...
Now - the wool is gone - the rose colored classes violently ripped away (that IS a metaphor) - but the chaos that has ensued is a soothing one. A needed wrecking ball to the tower that was my life - desperately needed to keep everything that I hold dear to me, intact.
Sure - I wish it had been done differently... he could have handled things in a much better way - without the heartbreak. But, the important thing is - we are working together. For (apparently) the first time in much too long. I have realized I was missing him before - and I had grown so accustomed to the way things were - I didn't even know it.
So - Forward we go. (I am still hoping for more touches here and there, and because of the mistrust... I am still craving an overload of reassurance - though I expect he fully understands that...)
Dance class, Kindergarten, Tutor Time, you take this child here, I will drop that one there... Doctor's appointments, trips upstate to retrieve or drop off our oldest (his oldest, but I get to claim her too...) - car tune ups, work meetings... birthday parties and the list goes on... and on... The sometimes blah, melancholy, repetitive duties of every day life - the tight schedule that has thrown us into momentary chaos... when it comes right down to it... I embrace it. I don't mind it...
Not one bit... because we are taking it, as a team. As it always should have been.
Posted Date: : Sep 11, 2007 5:18 PM