I long for the tranquility I felt on Saturday. I really do.
And it's not that today has been bad or anything... just, I have reached the point where I am truly mad at my mother. And I am not sure what to do... should I just unload (which would never end well) or bite my tongue (giving myself stomach cramps) or find some sort of "happy" medium - which does not exist.
She just finally left here. (I wrote that sentence at 11:20 ish...) Now... here is the back story:
On Wednesday of last week my husband got her in touch with a friend of his, who was willing to train her to work for him. First off this is something my husband had avoided doing, my mother is very unpredictable... whether she will "hold onto" the job or not, and he did not want to hurt his image - all of this I totally understand. But, in light of the risks, he did it anyway. So, my mother went on an interview on Thursday, at 1, and ended up apparently working the rest of the day, and did not get home until that night. Well... what happened late Thursday night, can only best be described as my, and my husband's worst nightmare.
Close to 11pm, the door bell rang. The repo man had caught up to my mother, much sooner than she expected. She "thought" she had "another month" to start making her payments again...
Now I just want to scream. She is effectively "stuck" here. If it does not all work out... which is still up for debate... how do I tell her to just leave now? (I still will, but it just makes it a bit more difficult.)
And we interrupt this "rant" for a new "rant":
My mother just walked back in the freaking door. Well, not "just" any longer, a good 40 minutes ago... it took her a while to "work her way back downstairs" - she was going to take the bus to work today. She did not make it sound like she needed any help with this all weekend... not to mention, she is an adult, why do I have to hunt down the schedules for her and everything (like I did this morning anyway) - sure, it is the "nice" thing to do... but I guess added to my other frustrations it feels like a bit much...
Anyway, she was supposed to take the bus to work... and was supposed to take the bus to work, and after 9am this morning she comes up here... complaining about everything. (The impression I got, was to say, umm, NO it is NOT ok for you to NOT go to work today... - but I didn't.. anyway..) Just complaining about everything. I just got so damn mad...
Finally she left to catch the 11:25 bus (which she thought was 11:38, thankfully I MADE her double check...) only to return 15 minutes later, unable to "find" the bus stop - telling me tonight I "have" to take her to find where the bus stop is. Ok - I do NOT do well when told what I "have" to do. And she does it constantly. About things she really just does not even need to comment on... Anyway... don't plow in here, because you are mad and tell me I "have" to spend my time this evening taking you to "find" a bus stop listening to you complain the entire time (my assumption, she is constantly complaining these days, or every response to anything I say is a negative one, and I am fed up...) - If she would ask, it would be different, but no, I "have" to. And then she says "well, I thought you would do it yesterday but I guess not..."
What the fuck? Because I can just read her mind right? I told her, you didn't ASK ME TO yesterday... her response? "I thought you would have just known."
This is the sort of shit that will push me over the edge with her. And then, I am supposed to "back her up" or something... when she says things like "well, I can spend time organizing my room downstairs, I meant to this weekend... but [insert sigh] I was so mad over the car and...." (Because she has only had what, 6 weeks now to get all the damn clutter down there under control?) Oh and then: "you know I am a work horse, you know I want to do this..."
I didn't know what to say to that. Forgive me mother if you ever read this, but - I do??? Maybe the bad times just stick out in my mind so much more... but I don't know that. I know you to always have a "reason" to NOT work. I know this is a sink or swim moment. I know I NEED you to work, so I don't feel used. I know you have not pulled through with a lot of things in my life... from something as stupidly simple as "insisting" (another HAVE to moment) I use a certain cat litter because to YOU it stinks less (the cat boxes are by the apartment entrance) and saying IF I get that litter that you would change it every other day because it would HAVE to or it would stink WORSE - and now I have changed it once, and she is constantly complaining about it... and about how they are *my* cats, and how she will need help with it once she works.. and.. and... and... I have no problem changing my own damn litter boxes, on MY schedule, with MY litter.
Anyway... my point was, she acts like I "know" how great she is doing, and how hard she is trying.... when truthfully... I don't.
And there is no way for me to tell her that and have her react rationally... and last Thursday, this would have been no problem, worst case she would pack up her truck and leave - cutting off her nose to spite her face (something I have noticed is a real specialty of hers, though she would adamantly deny it) - but now... she has no vehicle. She is stuck here. And I will not have my mother mope around *MY* house like some bratty child because she doesn't like what I tell her.
Rock, meet hard place. And in the middle... is where you find me - stuck.
Now, I hope tomorrow she gets up, without any bitching or complaining and gets out of here on time to get a bus that will actually get her to work at working hours (unlike today) after I either beg my husband to take her to find the bus stop tonight (because I don't want to deal with her negativity the entire way and her "whatever" and "oh well" crap if she doesn't see it working the way she wants it too...) Or take her myself... which I dread...
And hopefully she has a great day, and causes no drama getting home either.
Then I will know we are on the path to progress.
Any bitching tomorrow morning like today... and I seriously doubt I will be able to contain myself any longer. Seriously.
And I am now pretty sure this entry went no where that I expected it to when I started writing. Well... maybe it did.
Oh how I long for my long lost peaceful Saturday again. Maybe we will be able to take my step-daughter there this weekend when she comes over. That would be nice...