There are moments, in the mist of my new found optimism, still that the pure despair and frustration this place seems to embody threatens to just over take me. And I hate it with a passion so deep... I count the days until we leave here.
But my fear that some unknown horror is waiting for us, not going to allow us to leave lingers in my mind. Is it what just happened to Jack? Or maybe it reminds me so much of when we moved from Texas. I know I have not talked about this much here... (so there is no way I am going to go searching for any entries to link to about it, it is midnight) but that day we were so damn happy. And in a split second, everything turned upside down. See... we were one of the first cases against Firestone tires back when that insanity took place, all the roll overs on the Ford Explorers, due to the Firestone tires. We hit a tree. We were on the interstate, driving at 70 MPH, when the truck began to vibrate, violently. Before my husband and I even had a moment to react, suddenly, I was looking over my left shoulder, behind us at a tree... coming right for us. Actually, we were going right for it. And everything became so clear. They say your life flashes in front of your eyes... and it did. The children I wanted to have... the things I want to see... everything I was looking forward to... suddenly may no longer exist. Then through the mind numbing pain my husband's frantic voice brought me back to reality "ARE YOU ALIVE??" I don't' know what I said... I think I said "I think so..." or maybe I just said "yes" - either way... clearly, I was relatively ok.
My husband and I both walked away from that accident. Very sore, cuts and bruises... but ok. We had been traveling with our 2 dogs, and 2 cats. The back drivers side of the truck took the brunt of the impact... right where our sweet Orion's crate was. He was a Shepherd, just like our Neo is now. He was paralyzed. The damn moron "veterinarian" we were able to get him to in that town said he was just bruised, he would be fine. But he did not make it. And one of our cats ran off, her crate was cracked and in the panic immediately after the accident, she got out before we had come to our senses enough to stop her.
Every day I am thankful, that at that time, we did not yet have our sweet babies. If they had been in the back seat, I can't even imagine what would have happened. I guess that is why I just went into all this like I did. (Had no idea I was going to do all that by the way.) The thought of something happening like that to us now, just mortifies me beyond comprehension.
It's amazing what this entry just became to me. It started off so simple. I had no intention of digging that deep into myself tonight. I guess it just goes to show it is on my mind... a very valid fear after everything that has happened recently.
Now I feel like the whining I was going to do really isn't that important. And I know, really, that is all it is... whining. Just, recently, the stress that just permeates the air here, has been getting to me, and my husband so much. I have seriously had moments where I have wondered to myself the words "if our marriage makes it until we GET back to NY." And I know that is just anger and frustration talking. Especially after putting things into the perspective I just managed to do... I just hate feeling so irritable. I really hate it. I need to be able to lean on my husband right now... and he IS there for me. I am not saying that. Just, the stress is getting to us both so badly.
Ok, I think I have rambled on enough for now. I guess it did feel good to get that out. I even surprised myself with how close to the surface it all was. Before having my two babies, I felt indestructible. I always *knew* everything was going to be fine. Now... I worry so much. Because whatever happens to me, I can handle. But them... they have to stay perfect. Always. And that is my job, to protect them, keep them safe and healthy... I just love them more than I can even describe.
My head stings. We keep the metal pole that is the length of the sliding glass door (the one you jam in it so it can't be opened from the outside) on top of the fridge these days so my little guy can't play light saber with it when he comes in the kitchen. Tonight.. I was leaning down getting something from the fridge... and the friggin thing fell... clocked me right above the ear. It could always be worse though.
05.10.2005
12:27 a.m.
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