Yesterday was a ruff day. I think my daughter is beginning her "terrible two's" a few months early. She will be 18 months old on the 17th. Yesterday she "fought" with me ALL day long. She was demanding to get into the corner by the computer desk and get into the drawers. I would pick her up and get her out of the corner, and she would stomp, cry, and HIT me. Oh, my nerves were just GONE by the end of the day. Thankfully, I have to give big kudos to my husband, he came home after a harrowing day himself and saw how unraveled I was (and the house as well) and gave me time to gather myself by feeding her dinner, cleaning the house AND cooking dinner. That meant so much to me I just can't even begin to express it in words.
Today, she seems a little better... I just hope it keeps going this smooth all day.
On another note, I have more thoughts regarding something I said in an entry the other day. My exact words were: "When did fucking around on someone you have sworn yourself to become so "ok"?" And last night, I saw yet ANOTHER example of that exact thing. In my im logs I keep I saw my husbands lengthy conversation with someone we know... in it she was saying how she has it all planned out to cheat on her boyfriend. He even asked her if she feels any regret... her answer: "nope." God, that just sickens me. What the hell is wrong with her? Sure, as she so plainly put it is: "she's not fucking married or anything" but DAMN! She calls this man her "boyfriend" right? Isn't that a promise as well? Maybe not legal and binding... but I just don't get it. If she has told this guy she is true to him, and I have seen things where she has written how irritated she has gotten over HIM not trusting HER, but then here she is, with this "master plan" to go FUCK AROUND ON HIM!?!? I just don't understand. What the hell is wrong with people these days? Is it so hard to be honest to someone you have told you "love?" Why can't she tell her "boyfriend" her problems with him instead of hiding in bed with another man? If she doesn't love her boyfriend, why can't she be true to him, tell him and break it off, before breaking his heart more by screwing around on him?
While I am on this horrendous subject... (Andrew, don't be hurt by what your about to read, it's been festering a while and I need to get it out.) Do you know what I was doing while my husband was in California the week of January 11th, fucking his coworker/whore? I was busting my ass at home, with my MOTHER by my side. We had 5,000 pounds of bricks sitting in my backyard that had been there since August, since we ripped out the wood burning stove, that needed to be removed. I rented a dumpster, and MY MOTHER AND I removed them. 5,000 fucking pounds. That Monday morning... do you know what happened to me? I woke up to the sound of water GUSHING in my room... the pipe in the bathroom had burst, and it was coming out so forcefully it was hitting the WALL, ruffly 4 feet from where the pipe was. I dealt with all that, plus BEGAN the process of spackling the walls in my sons room... plus got new BEAUTIFUL bed sheets and had the house wonderfully presentable for him when he got home. And what was he out doing? EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY FUCKING A WHORE HE WORKED WITH.
I knew something was up the moment he got off the plane the night he came back. He didn't even look me in the eye for the first 24 hours. He STILL has barely acknowledged how HARD it was for us to get those damn bricks gone... he was only "bummed" we didn't FINISH the baby's room. He barely said anything about how nice I had made the bed... it just hurts so bad to think about. Not to mention, he didn't even ask me once if I was *ok* - I mean, this was the first time I had SEEN my mother since our falling out and we had gone a year prior without even speaking.
The other day I mentioned how stressed I am... he said "what are you so stressed about" - in a sort of baffled tone. Unfortunately, I had to remind him... I cried for MONTHS after his first affair. For MONTHS there was not a DAY that went by that I didn't cry about it. This time... I have barely been able to cry. Instead, all that rage and sorrow - anger, and hurt are pent up inside me. Coming out in my occasional short temper, and my headaches and such.
I am far from better. I am FAR from over it. But I am doing the best I can. I just hope it's enough.
03.12.2004
2:16 p.m.
No comments:
Post a Comment