Friday, September 7, 2012

I need the ground to stop shaking beneath my feet.

After I wrote my last entry... I found something that devastated me much more than I could have expected it too.

I saw that my husband had been emailing her from his aol name as well, and he had been emailing her recently. So all his bull shit about having cut off communication with her was a lie, and inevitably, it makes me feel like anything we had begun to rebuild, was merely a lie from him as well. And, in his emails to her... he told her he loved her. He said such sweet things to her - things he does not even say to me. And... he was planning his little rendezvous with her for weeks... from at least mid December, when he sent the whore pictures of my animals.

She has seen my home, my animals, my children... and I am sure he even probably showed the bitch pictures of me. And here I can't even grasp a mental image of what I think she might look like. Part of me wonders why I even care... but I do.

I feel devastated. I feel like I need to sit down and just cry to my husband about what he has done... but I don't even have the time to do that. I have been feeling like I just want everyone to leave me the hell alone too - but I can't have that... I have two babies that need me. And then again, I want someone to care enough to say "no, I won't leave you alone, you need me right now." But I don't know how to convey that. I need help, but I don't know with what exactly.

I am extremely sad. I feel broken, and very lost. Not to mention, completely overwhelmed.

5:19 p.m.

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