Struggles

I have been having a very hard time the past few days.

My husband and I seemed to have a very good starting point last week... and then I found he was still talking to her - and it's just crushed me. He is saying he will do "whatever it takes" to get us "ok" - to get me to trust him again and such. I just don't know how to tell him what it will take when I feel like I don't fully know myself. I think we are moving in the right direction. We have changed his cell phone number, and changed the plan so I can track the dialed/incoming numbers better... to give me piece of mind. And he is saying a lot of the "right" things... the things I need to hear...

But of course, I wonder if that's all it is. Is he just saying the things he thinks I need to hear? He starts a new job tomorrow... it may or may not be permanent, but it is something to keep us insured medically and keep us above water financially while he goes through the offers he has received. And he has received plenty of offers... which is relieving. But I wonder, will he call or email her from his office tomorrow? There is virtually NOTHING I can do about that - and NOTHING that can ease my fears of it.

I just don't understand. My moods have been off the charts recently too. One moment I feel so close to him... and the next I just want to lock myself in the bathroom and cry my eyes out. But nothing is making me feel truly "better." My appointment with my doctor to get back on paxil or SOMETHING seems like an eternity away right now, but there is nothing I can do about it.

I feel like I really need something - but I don't know what.

I want my husband to love me, the way I love him. I want him to need me. I want my family to be strong.

I am struggling with feeling so lost, and alone... I need to be told it's going to be ok, and I need to be able to believe it.

02.03.2004
5:43 p.m.